Sunday, June 12, 2005
Who is the fume?

Scribed at 2:49 PM

Thursday, June 09, 2005
Still at Mandys,
appears I'll be staying through the month, which is cool cuz...well just cuz it's really cool actually. I miss Berkeley, especially Naomi, but the breaks are really the only time I have available to visit Mandy, and she's become an extremely important part of my life.
Mandy's off at a anime-con right now, so I get the whole apt. (and by whole apt. I mean Mandy & Nicoles room + the living room) to myself.
I've gained many material things on this trip, pierced ears, combat boots, etc. but it's the emotional things I'm going to treasure forever. The bond betwixt Mandy and I grows stronger by the moment, and I've gotten to know Nicole as a person, not just as a name mentioned every now and again, and she's really ocol.
I hope Brian still keeps up with my blog, I really appreciate the amount of influence he's had on who I've become.
And I hope somehow Stephanie has found my blog and reads it, though I guess that's more of a pipe dream.
You don't realize how many people you've touched till you find yourself calling out to the universe for love. Believe me, it will come like fire.
So to all the loves in my life, happy Odin's day, may it be a blessed one.

Scribed at 5:45 PM

Sunday, June 05, 2005
So Mandy hit a point that I need to think through, and this being the space where I do such things...

I don't get excited. When I got into Berkely my dad started yelling across the golf course, "my daughter got into Berkeley!" I on the other hand simpky said "That's cool".

I can get excited though. I just, I need some excited energy to feed off of. If you ask me calmly "are you excited?" then 9 times out of 10 I'll respond with a calm "yeah, this is really cool". If you come at me glowing with a smile cross your face, then I'll get all bubbly, giggle, and maybe even do some jumping.

But it also has to be something unexpected. I can't get excited over something I knew was going to happen, it just doesn't work. I don't know why, I guess me getting like visibily excited is like at least 65% surprise.

Maybe like 75% surprise, with like a 5.9% APR. With APR that low you could buy a house. boat. shaped like a banana.

All in all, just because I don't giggle like a schoolgirl doesn't mean I'm not excited. Of course this doesn't apply to the multitudes of yous who are yet to meet me in person. This was just something Mandy got me thinking about and I had to think through.

Scribed at 12:14 PM

Saturday, June 04, 2005
Hi Kids,
Do you like violence,
do you ever wonder why a song you really hate suddenly pops into your head? I know I do.

Well, no matter. Life is amazing. In in Ohio now, been for two days. And what a pair of days they've been. Mandy initiated me into Astatru, as you all probably know, and I know feel like my relationship with Frigga is that much more real, that much more intense. I've also been opened to hearing the voices of other goddesses in the order. It's like I've been led to an amazing new world by an amazing person.

Leaving Berkeley was hard. I got so many goodbye hugs and goodbye kisses, it was really sweet. And then Naomi, Naomi spent all day Wednesday making me a doll stuffed with Lavender. All day. And the doll is amazing, I've slept with it every night and carried it all through the airport, which got me some weird looks. Naomi and I both staarted crying saying goodbye.

I'm so blessed, priveledged, lucky, fortunate, to have Mandy and Naomi in my life. I want to be a living embodyment of love, and the love that radiates between the three of us is enough to power Reno.

Love to you all. May a star shine upon your day.

Scribed at 10:45 AM

Tuesday, May 31, 2005
So...

It's Tuesday. Less than 48 hours away from being in Ohio. Had a counceling appointment today, came pretty close to crying. It came during the part when my relationship with my father was the topic of conversation. The question was asked, aside from his refusal to accept my transition, how has my father hurt me.

Actually I've almost cried twice today.

And really my father, and his defenders are the only negatives in my life. It's just that I'm so overwhelmed with possitive energy, and the other random energies I pick up, that I'm just more vulnerable. Seinfeld hit on this subject once.

Jerry was dating a girl who wanted him to get mad. Jerry asked if she wanted him to yell at her, and she said no, she just wanted him to be open. Jerry said, "I am open, there's just nothing inside"

Pause. There, right there, is the core of mysogyny and androcentrism. That quote explains Mandy's comment as well as several others. Men are trained to think they don't have feelings. A man with feelings is queer, a fag, a sissy, a girl.

Unpause. Jerry starts allowing himself to get angry, and he realises it feels good. Unfortunately he becomes angry all the time, and the girl he was seeing leaves him. Jerry starts to cry. Kramer tells Jerry that once you open yourself up to one emotion you leave yourself vulnerable to all the others. Pandoras box. Though Kramer called it Endora's box, Endora was the mom on bewitched. Just because I'm a language nerd, Pan = all, like pandemic or pan-american airlines or pan-asian cuisine. Doras = gifts, Eu=good as in euphoric. So Pandora possessed all gifts, and Eudora was a good gift.

Anyhow, my essence is love. As a follower of Frigga, as Mandy is a follower of Freya, that's the core of my existance. But coming to terms with my philanthropy leaves me vulnerable to feeling anger, hate, and a whole pletora of emotions. Remember I once thought I was a misanthrope.

To use yet another metaphor, it's like being a Jedi. You become aware of this force, and your relation to it, but having awesome power means your more suseptable to an awesome fall. The bigger they are the harder they fall type of a deal.

Sorry this was so sprawling, my blogger is where I come to think things through, so it's not always going to be clear.

Scribed at 5:34 PM

Saturday, May 28, 2005
so if you thought my uncle was an ass...

I get home from Sac-town yesterday, and sitting in my inbox are two letters. One letter is from my Uncle and Aunts joint email account, the other from my dads. The one from my Aunt and Uncles account was my aunt appologizing for her husband, which i barely read.

I won't paste my dads letter in its entirety here. I posted my uncles cuz I felt his words out of context wouldn't carry the tone and it's the tone that fills you with anger. My dad sent me a letter saying he was cutting of my cell phone, which I shrugged at, I was getting rid of it anyhow. He went on repeating the same things, how I should change my surname since I lost my family, how i was listening to all the idiots in Berkeley, it's really the most idiotic thing I've ever read.

So I wrote back, academically breaking down every point in his letter. In his letter back he avoided every true point I had made in my letter, which there were several, and instead chose to focus on telling one more lie. I would call him on it, but he began his email with this sentence...

If I had come to see you, you wouldn't have gone back to Berkeley in one piece.

In my letter to him I had called him a coward for saying these things in an email, rather than saying them to me when he had the chance. And now I don't know what to do. It's been replaying in my head over and over.

I can't wait till this family stuff is done.

Scribed at 4:55 PM

Friday, May 27, 2005
This will be short or long depending on when Naomi gets out of the bathroom...

Still in Sacramento, we're leaving tomorrow morning.

I forgot my meds, so I took some of Manny's mom's (manny is naomi's ex whom we're staying with). She's taking premarin and somethingsomethingprogesterone for menopause. She's on a very low 0.3 dose of premarin, so I had to take six, but I also took a progesterone for the first time.

I tell you. I was bitchy and hot and errr all morning, but after those pills, it's been euphoric sailing all day.

Also, when Naomi picked me up at the train station, seeing me for the first time in a week, she commented, "your boobs have gotten bigger" and so they have. I noticed at my grandparents house, I got that, eat everthing not nailed down craving, and then i took an axe to things that were nailed down, and sure enough, more growth! woot to that.

Passing's also gotten to an easy stage, no more cringing, waiting to see what pronoun someone will use, no more worries about dressing rooms.

I never used to think I was cool. This self esteem thing is great.

That's all for now, Naomi's done :)

I love you all, and Mandy we need to talk soon. I want to make you an offer you can't refuse :)

Scribed at 12:13 AM