A Perfect Day for Bananafish

2005-06-12T14:49:00.000-07:00

Who is the fume?

2005-06-09T17:45:00.000-07:00

Still at Mandys,
appears I'll be staying through the month, which is cool cuz...well just cuz it's really cool actually. I miss Berkeley, especially Naomi, but the breaks are really the only time I have available to visit Mandy, and she's become an extremely important part of my life.
Mandy's off at a anime-con right now, so I get the whole apt. (and by whole apt. I mean Mandy & Nicoles room + the living room) to myself.
I've gained many material things on this trip, pierced ears, combat boots, etc. but it's the emotional things I'm going to treasure forever. The bond betwixt Mandy and I grows stronger by the moment, and I've gotten to know Nicole as a person, not just as a name mentioned every now and again, and she's really ocol.
I hope Brian still keeps up with my blog, I really appreciate the amount of influence he's had on who I've become.
And I hope somehow Stephanie has found my blog and reads it, though I guess that's more of a pipe dream.
You don't realize how many people you've touched till you find yourself calling out to the universe for love. Believe me, it will come like fire.
So to all the loves in my life, happy Odin's day, may it be a blessed one.

2005-06-05T12:14:00.000-07:00

So Mandy hit a point that I need to think through, and this being the space where I do such things...

I don't get excited. When I got into Berkely my dad started yelling across the golf course, "my daughter got into Berkeley!" I on the other hand simpky said "That's cool".

I can get excited though. I just, I need some excited energy to feed off of. If you ask me calmly "are you excited?" then 9 times out of 10 I'll respond with a calm "yeah, this is really cool". If you come at me glowing with a smile cross your face, then I'll get all bubbly, giggle, and maybe even do some jumping.

But it also has to be something unexpected. I can't get excited over something I knew was going to happen, it just doesn't work. I don't know why, I guess me getting like visibily excited is like at least 65% surprise.

Maybe like 75% surprise, with like a 5.9% APR. With APR that low you could buy a house. boat. shaped like a banana.

All in all, just because I don't giggle like a schoolgirl doesn't mean I'm not excited. Of course this doesn't apply to the multitudes of yous who are yet to meet me in person. This was just something Mandy got me thinking about and I had to think through.

2005-06-04T10:45:00.000-07:00

Hi Kids,
Do you like violence,
do you ever wonder why a song you really hate suddenly pops into your head? I know I do.

Well, no matter. Life is amazing. In in Ohio now, been for two days. And what a pair of days they've been. Mandy initiated me into Astatru, as you all probably know, and I know feel like my relationship with Frigga is that much more real, that much more intense. I've also been opened to hearing the voices of other goddesses in the order. It's like I've been led to an amazing new world by an amazing person.

Leaving Berkeley was hard. I got so many goodbye hugs and goodbye kisses, it was really sweet. And then Naomi, Naomi spent all day Wednesday making me a doll stuffed with Lavender. All day. And the doll is amazing, I've slept with it every night and carried it all through the airport, which got me some weird looks. Naomi and I both staarted crying saying goodbye.

I'm so blessed, priveledged, lucky, fortunate, to have Mandy and Naomi in my life. I want to be a living embodyment of love, and the love that radiates between the three of us is enough to power Reno.

Love to you all. May a star shine upon your day.

2005-05-31T17:34:00.000-07:00

So...

It's Tuesday. Less than 48 hours away from being in Ohio. Had a counceling appointment today, came pretty close to crying. It came during the part when my relationship with my father was the topic of conversation. The question was asked, aside from his refusal to accept my transition, how has my father hurt me.

Actually I've almost cried twice today.

And really my father, and his defenders are the only negatives in my life. It's just that I'm so overwhelmed with possitive energy, and the other random energies I pick up, that I'm just more vulnerable. Seinfeld hit on this subject once.

Jerry was dating a girl who wanted him to get mad. Jerry asked if she wanted him to yell at her, and she said no, she just wanted him to be open. Jerry said, "I am open, there's just nothing inside"

Pause. There, right there, is the core of mysogyny and androcentrism. That quote explains Mandy's comment as well as several others. Men are trained to think they don't have feelings. A man with feelings is queer, a fag, a sissy, a girl.

Unpause. Jerry starts allowing himself to get angry, and he realises it feels good. Unfortunately he becomes angry all the time, and the girl he was seeing leaves him. Jerry starts to cry. Kramer tells Jerry that once you open yourself up to one emotion you leave yourself vulnerable to all the others. Pandoras box. Though Kramer called it Endora's box, Endora was the mom on bewitched. Just because I'm a language nerd, Pan = all, like pandemic or pan-american airlines or pan-asian cuisine. Doras = gifts, Eu=good as in euphoric. So Pandora possessed all gifts, and Eudora was a good gift.

Anyhow, my essence is love. As a follower of Frigga, as Mandy is a follower of Freya, that's the core of my existance. But coming to terms with my philanthropy leaves me vulnerable to feeling anger, hate, and a whole pletora of emotions. Remember I once thought I was a misanthrope.

To use yet another metaphor, it's like being a Jedi. You become aware of this force, and your relation to it, but having awesome power means your more suseptable to an awesome fall. The bigger they are the harder they fall type of a deal.

Sorry this was so sprawling, my blogger is where I come to think things through, so it's not always going to be clear.

2005-05-28T16:55:00.000-07:00

so if you thought my uncle was an ass...

I get home from Sac-town yesterday, and sitting in my inbox are two letters. One letter is from my Uncle and Aunts joint email account, the other from my dads. The one from my Aunt and Uncles account was my aunt appologizing for her husband, which i barely read.

I won't paste my dads letter in its entirety here. I posted my uncles cuz I felt his words out of context wouldn't carry the tone and it's the tone that fills you with anger. My dad sent me a letter saying he was cutting of my cell phone, which I shrugged at, I was getting rid of it anyhow. He went on repeating the same things, how I should change my surname since I lost my family, how i was listening to all the idiots in Berkeley, it's really the most idiotic thing I've ever read.

So I wrote back, academically breaking down every point in his letter. In his letter back he avoided every true point I had made in my letter, which there were several, and instead chose to focus on telling one more lie. I would call him on it, but he began his email with this sentence...

If I had come to see you, you wouldn't have gone back to Berkeley in one piece.

In my letter to him I had called him a coward for saying these things in an email, rather than saying them to me when he had the chance. And now I don't know what to do. It's been replaying in my head over and over.

I can't wait till this family stuff is done.

2005-05-27T00:13:00.000-07:00

This will be short or long depending on when Naomi gets out of the bathroom...

Still in Sacramento, we're leaving tomorrow morning.

I forgot my meds, so I took some of Manny's mom's (manny is naomi's ex whom we're staying with). She's taking premarin and somethingsomethingprogesterone for menopause. She's on a very low 0.3 dose of premarin, so I had to take six, but I also took a progesterone for the first time.

I tell you. I was bitchy and hot and errr all morning, but after those pills, it's been euphoric sailing all day.

Also, when Naomi picked me up at the train station, seeing me for the first time in a week, she commented, "your boobs have gotten bigger" and so they have. I noticed at my grandparents house, I got that, eat everthing not nailed down craving, and then i took an axe to things that were nailed down, and sure enough, more growth! woot to that.

Passing's also gotten to an easy stage, no more cringing, waiting to see what pronoun someone will use, no more worries about dressing rooms.

I never used to think I was cool. This self esteem thing is great.

That's all for now, Naomi's done :)

I love you all, and Mandy we need to talk soon. I want to make you an offer you can't refuse :)

2005-05-26T11:52:00.000-07:00

okay

i think i've gotten the majority of the family stuff out of my system. I responded to my uncle's letter, a responce that included the sentence "if you love me but hate everything about me, what exactly do you love?"

so hopefully a few more journal entries and counciling appointments and i can put this behind me.

Things are quite nice now that I'm back in Berkeley. My first day back I hung out with Hava for a bit, had ice cream with simone, ate a vegeburger at Mel's and capped the night with alittle relaxation with neil back in my room. Though technically it's Neil's room right now.

I'm in Sacramento now. Naomi had her community college graduation and I came to support her. It's been nothing but good times. I think my bond as her sister comes truer every day. Several people in the house have started refering to us as the Sorbet sisters, and the other day Neil answered Naomi's phone when I was calling her, and greeted me with "Sorbet". Josie Sorbet, that has a fucking awesome ring to it.

Well, I leave for Ohio wednesday. This summer has all the makings of being life changing. It already has started, and it's only going to continue.

2005-05-25T16:19:00.000-07:00

I'm rapidly losing respect for my family. Here are some samples from a letter an uncle wrote me, an uncle who mind you I had assumed to be on my side after this weekend.

There is, left in your wake, alot of turmoil around here. Some of my feelings are anger, frustration, confusion and sympathy. Not much denial remains. I find what you are doing to be extremely self-indulgent. I'm all for someone to be who they are, to "find" themselves, to grow in self-awareness and acceptance. What you are engaged in -- hormone blocking and substitution, and your plans for what amounts to physical mutilation -- is the opposite. You are using these methods to be who you aren't. I would stop you if I could

I am thinking about the process of you starting hormones on your 18th birthday. This was either an impulsive decision, as you had just moved to college, or part of a long term agenda. Either scenario is disturbing to me, one indicates immaturity, the other indicates deceit. Based on our conversations last week I believe the latter to be the case. The dishonesty you have demonstrated around this issue concerns me (i.e., the christmas trip); that's not what you have been taught, and not how you have generally behaved in the time I have known you.

2005-05-24T22:55:00.000-07:00

Hi Everybody!

So I'm back in Berkeley now, plane touched down some 6 hours ago. Already in 6 Berkeley hours I've had more fun than I had the entire time I was in Los Angeles.

Some good did come from this trip. My grandpa told me "As far as we know, you're the first person we know that has done something like this. We don't know, and we're learning." Bloody brilliant that man. I think he also said "here you go girl" as he handed me my purchase from the skechers outlet. My Uncle was also amazing, after he got over the initial concerns with my medical advisors, he was quite supportive, and my mom only had constructive criticism to offer, and good constructive criticism at that. I got to see my bro and sis, which was nice. I also saw Star Wars III, which was awesome.

Some bad came from this trip. My grandma said flat out, she could never accept me as female. This coming after she asked me how I dressed in Berkeley and I was honest with her. My aunt didn't really seem convinced with the legitimacy of my transition, she feels my lack of talkin with a female councilor has tainted the legitimacy.

I didn't see my dad, which my grandpa, the only one with sense in my family, admited was a good thing. The rest of my family tried to protect me with "he loves you". bah I say.

I think I'm starting to get closer to a legitimate truth as to why my family is reacting the way they do. As much as I'm still adjusting to acting as an adult around them, they're still getting used to the fact that this person that they used to whipe the ass of can now outthink them in just about every possible way. And while their facing that transition, I'm making them face a completely different transition which is equally hard.

I'm not excusing them, just trying really hard to understand.

2005-05-23T20:51:00.000-07:00

hey all. Love from los angeles. I'm writing this from my cell phone, so this probably wont be shakespeare. I'm okay, no harm has been done me. I miss the hell out of you guys. It's hot and everyone's really lame, but that's la for ya. I'll write more when i'm not using a phone to do so. Peace and love

2005-05-18T10:48:00.000-07:00

*ten*
you know the part in the movie, the uh...uh, the climax yeah where everything is starting to come to its ultimate clash and

*nine*
if the writer has done their job well you're absolutely enthralled because so many different things can happen, and you really care about this character and their wellbeing, but their in such a dilema or trilema or

*eight*
shit, I don't have to time to over explain, you guys know what I'm talking about. Well right now it's eleven o'clock. I just finished my last final, it was such a breeze I felt like I was eatting candy as opposed to

*seven*
oh frigga, I'm really going to need your help on this one. I need to return Finding Neverland. Naomi and I rented it on a one day/one dollar rental at elephant pharmacy, it's a really good movie, though I kept wanting to shoot it down, it totally won me

*six*
mandy if you were here right now everything would be better. mandy why aren't...i need to return the video and then bike back home, and get ready for

*five*
is it getting faster? it can't get faster that's not

*four*
no! I won't let you take me. I want to be free. I am free. And they're going to try and cover me in dogma and banality and keep me in midgard forever.

*three*
If you were ever curious, I chose Josie because it to me was the most rock and roll name out there. 1/2 because of Josie and the Pussycats, and one half because of blink 182's song "Josie"

*two*
"i know that everything, know that everything, know that everything's gonna be fine"
I always wanted to be the girl who can just look at you and let you know that everything's going to be fine. Even when I was a rude as hell punker that pissed off everyone I knew, thats all I wanted, to be that sweet, innocent reminder to everyone that there is beauty out there, and that is the truth. And I am that now, and I'm so happy. Unfortunately when you're an example to everyone else of how to be strong, that everythings going to be fine, you end up having to cry alone, and being really really scared.

*one*
Naomi I love you. Mandy I love you. Monica I love you. If I don't make it back, know that.

*zero*
why am I making this trip again?

2005-05-17T00:39:00.000-07:00

"Will you miss me my dear?
And my wild, wild hair..."

Just the song I'm listening to. You'll never guess where I just came from. I'll give you a hint, it's the one semester aniversary of this quote...

"I didn't run. Transsexuals don't run naked anywhere, at any time, for any reason."
-Josie: poet, lover, friend. ;-)

That's right it's the semesterly streaking in the stacks. We had people from Loth, Wilde, Kingman, Wolf, Le Chateau, probably others all running naked through the library stacks. There had to be at least 60 of us, maybe more. People were going nuts, we got claps, we got oh my gods, it was so awesome.

This year I actually ran. I didn't go naked, I wore my plaid mini, but lords was it fun, people's reactions, and just the knowledge that hey, I am running naked through a library. Ironically enough, the two of the boys who I've had crushes on while in the coops were there, and both of them said hi to me as they arrived. Which was really weird from candidate #2 (it's way too easy to google up to my site, I gotta cover me bases) cuz I've never talked to him before. He wore his hair down and brushed out, *drooooooooooooooooooooll* the guy is a germanic god.

Speaking of Germanic divinities, I'd like to take this time to honor Frigga. She's been amazing to me since coming into my life, and I can't thank her enough.

There was someone else I wanted to mention under the topic of Germanic divinity, who was it? Why has it....oh yes, Mandy. I just want to let you know dear that I'm sorry I was born virgo, and what's worse a virgo/gimini. But despite my shortcomings, I love you anything else in my life. I'm always thinking about you.

2005-05-16T01:05:00.000-07:00

It's 1 am, I'm in the library finishing up my takehome tests because I thought it would be interesting to do work in the library at 1 in the morning.

But that's not why I'm writing.

I'm writing because as I was riding my bike over here, I realized that I'm the coolest girl on the face of the earth. I'm not sure how I got to be so cool, but I definately like the fact that I am dare I say cool.

I'm glad people are using the tagboard more, I want to hear from the people that enjoy reading about my day to day foibles. I don't care where your from or how much relevance your life has to mine, just say hi sometime, I appreciate each and every one of you and thank you for caring about a little vegan anarchist heathen geeky transgendered girl in Berkeley.

Love you all so much.

I am SO COOL :)

Woot coolness!

2005-05-14T19:30:00.000-07:00

I've never felt so good and so terrible at the same time.

Today went decently well, I got up late, called in sick at work, ate brunch outside with my house, pancakes and tofu scrample and asparagus. It was quite nice. I sunbathed topless, I rode my bike down to the farmers market, went to EBgames to trade in all my EA sports titles. It's not that they weren't amazing graphically, or decently fun at moments, just EA has completely monopolized the market, and like another monopoly, they know they're going to make millions of each game no matter what, so they just reissue the same game with updated rosters and one new feature each year.

Madden has an amazing problem with team parity three years into any dynasty, I don't know enough about european football to do a franchise in FIFA, and the NBA season is too long. I have no complaints about NCAA football aside from it not coming out on PC and still no Cal or Stanford fight songs!

Anyhow, none of that really matters. I traded in my games at EB in exchange for Minority Report starring Tom Cruise. Then I walked down Telegraph and bought a Virginia Woolf novel (her last one, I forget the name) before heading home. All in all a lovely afternoon. Oh, and I did all this in a red/black plaid mini. I guess hippies can wear minis. Though getting my ass checked out is a new one, I gotta say it was really nice.

But for some reason after I got home, I ate and was relaxing in the room, and I just started to feel exponentially crappier. I did alittle cleaning, took dishes and recycling out of the room, started my laundry and I just began to feel terrible. This family visit thing is ruining me. I hate Los Angeles, I don't want to go back, and furthermore I don't really like my family. But I feel obligated to grant them this visit, and with the terms they've given me.

I have no spine whatsoever. Mandy tried to build one in me, but I haven't gotten to talk to her or Monica all weekend and for whatever reason Naomi's reassurance isn't working. I'm dealing with a funk that I need constant reassurance to break out of and no one can physically do that. I love Naomi. I love her more than the sun. But in the moments when she's not here, I'm falling, and I'm falling fast.

I can say at least that I'm proud of myself for one thing. It used to be when I got this down in a rut, the suicide thoughts would come. But not this time.

I fucking hate my family so fucking much.

2005-05-14T11:26:00.000-07:00

I talked to my aunt yesterday. The trip is still on. I don't know how my father is being dealt with, I need to ask my mom about that one. My aunt's very defencive of her brother, she says he would never do something like that to me. Too bad the evidence does not back up that claim.

I still want to bring Naomi, and I still can't. I need to bring it up one more time, but with my uncle, not my aunt. I've realized I can't talk to my aunt. She's one of the I need to say the same thing over and over again types, and not only that I'm going to say it in lengthy bulk, and get mad when you interupt me. It's more painful that surgery done in a back alley.

On a not sucktastic note, guess who had an $80 dinner last night. And guess who thinks it was worth every single penny. Naomi and I went to Millenium, an upscale restaurant in the city. It's vegan, which for the vegetarian illiterate, means not only do they not serve meat, but milk, cheese, anything with gelatin or refined sugar is out as well. I tell you, I have never eaten a better meal in my entire life. Every bite was a symphony of flavors. I know that phrase has been commercialized to the point of meaninglessness, but its actually true now. Tofu that was hickory, teriyaki and all these other wonderful things at the same time. I thought I knew what potatoes tasted like. I was wrong. We started off with a strawberry mint vodka drink which was like drinking candy, and bread w/ Lentils. Heaven. Then my main course, Potobello mushrooms with oh god so much other good, potatoes, spinach, tofu, and this mustard sauce which...And then for desert we had rose water sorbet and Strawberry Shortcake with Lavendar somehow whipped to make the filling. I tell you all, I will never have another meal this good, well I guess until next tax refund. Thank you Uncle Sam, for thinking I love your shitty country, and giving me money.

When I move to Canada I'm visiting the bay yearly.

2005-05-13T15:20:00.000-07:00

*update*

this is the latest email my aunt sent me...

Bernadette was sitting right next to me when you called last night. I think you understood what I was talking about, but I will clarify. I do not know how you are presenting yourself in public lately. But, I did hear that you wore certain clothes for your grandmother's funeral at your mother's request. That shows that you have some sensitivity towards people, like I know you always have. So, please dress in whatever term it is called.....neutral, or whatever, pants and a shirt, when you are around the family. Bernadette is 6 (on Sunday) and knows you as ***** and will continue to know you as *****, the cousin she loves very much. She is too young to be involved with any attempt to understand the present situation. Right now this is a personal family time for all of us to share. We are not sharing outside the family right now, as well. So, eventhough she is a part of our family, we cannot expect anything but pure innocence and lack of understanding at the present. I feel you have that certain quality in your heart, whether you are female or were ****, or whomever, to be sensitive to our situation as parents. I truly believe you can respect us for our request.

I don't know what the hell to do anymore.

2005-05-13T10:36:00.000-07:00

New twists in the family plan...

So the original plan was my aunt and uncle were going to fly up here to see and spend time with me for a day.

Then the plan became they were going to fly me down and I would stay at my grandparents because everyone wanted to see *me*

Last night, while sitting on the roof watching the sunset, I realised I really want Naomi with me, and she said yes she'd love to go. Naomi is my amazing roommate/sister for those of you who do not know.

When I pitched this to my aunt, her reaction was, she can come, but we want to have some alone time with you.

Which is fine, I can understand that, I am okay with that. But then my uncle vetoed that decision, saying "not this time".

Which was fine, I pitched the idea, it got shot down, no big deal. Then came...

"And because of Bernadette (6 year old cousin) we want you to do what you did for your grandmothers funeral."

AKA dress boyish. Not that I could if I wanted to (purged that out of my wardrobe ages ago, ITS NOT A COSTUME I CAN TAKE ON AND OFF. But I can't explain that to them, because we haven't even had the initial, what's going on, talk, which is the whole reason we're having this week in the first place.

I don't know what to do. I feel ill about this. I've never talked candidly to my family before but I really need to, but at the same time I don't want to chase away people that are willing to talk.

But on like a 5 hand, doesn't this kinda reek of a setup? Fly me down, without Naomi and do wear anything you'd normally wear, doesn't that just sound like an intervention waiting to happen. I just want to hit all of them. I hate them all so much but they're my family, so if they're willing to try I guess I have to try and meet them somewhere. But I surely don't feel like we're meeting halfway right now.

2005-05-12T11:03:00.000-07:00

The Big Ass Blogger Update!
Do you have a big ass? Then this blogger update might be for you. This weeks theme is chchchchchanges. First such change might not matter to some. I revamped my entire makeup collection. By revamp I mean I threw out all my old covergirl stuff and replaced it with Burt's Bees organic makeup. Now instead of putting hydrocalifornium seven on my face, I'm putting beeswax, sunflower oil, and castor oil. It's amazing. It feels so much better, looks so much more natural, and I don't feel like I'm compromising my politics when I wear makeup. From this day forward I'm buying nothing that isn't organic, locally grown, or used. Woot revolution!

I'm still fluxtuating between converting my computer to linux or not. I downloaded the operating system, but now I have to download all these new drivers for my hardware and I have no idea what that means. If anyone could help me through this, holding my hand, I would greatly appreciate the offer.

I also have a situation with the family. My aunt and uncle jsut found out about my transtion and are cool, but wanted to come up here and talk with me. Which was fine, but then they decided with their schedules being busy and mine free now that classes over that it would be better if I came down. They're gonna pay for me to fly and I will stay at my grandparents house, which is all fine and dandy since my grandparents, aunt, uncle, and mother want to see me, but my dad is a violent ogre and theres precident enough for me to fear violence. Not only has he threatened my mother and chased after my brother, he's also broken the jaw of an ex-girlfriend. The dudes an ass thats about the long and short of it.

I can't decide what to do about it, everyone I've talked with has given me really good advice. Anywhos, I gotta go get ready for another lovely day in la biblioteca. Love to you all, peaceness.

2005-05-11T14:47:00.000-07:00

Chchchchanges....
So tons of changes up recently creek.
I've dumped all my old makeup for completely organic burts bees stuff. I realized my organic/local food buying politics shouldn't apply to just food buying but all buying as well. No more new clothes, no unorganic food, no unorganic makeup, no unrecycled paper. Stemming off from that...
I'm switching from Windows to Linux. I would appreciate help from someone who actually knows how to do something like this, I'm just going off a checklist from a site. I've downloaded the Linux OS and have it on four cds, I just don't know about downloading new drivers for my hardware. That's the step I'm on and I'm highly confused. But, hopefully before I leave for Ohio I'm going to have Linux up and running on my computer.
More family drama, my aunt and uncle who wanted to come up here and see me are now going to pay for me to fly down there, and I'll stay at my grandparents house. The very fact that I have to make that last clause, means this isn't going to be a perfect situation. My dad doesn't want to see me, ever, again. My mom does, my grandparents do, my aunt and uncle do. My dad is a violent idiot. So yeah, mandy and I have been talking through this for awhile, and I think I'm going to be alright, but I also am concious of the reality that something bad could easily go down. I don't expect him to know I'm in town, but something always happens.
Classes are over so woot that. I only have one inclass final so double woot on that. I'm heading out to Elephant Pharmacy to get some burt's bees blush, I got concealer and eyeshadow but it's time for me to completely overhaul my entire makeup box (I keep my makeup in an old tea box, go reuse!)
Oh and I'm going to be recycling manager for my house next semester. So the recycle, reuse, reduce nazi isn't going to get softer, she's going fucking gung ho on this mess. Love to you all, mwah

2005-05-08T12:34:00.000-07:00

I was going through my blog rotation today, and I realized how far I've come.

Now that may sound weird but when you're still battling shes to hes at a 5 to 1 ratio, you forget you used to battle shes to hes at a 0 to 1 ratio.

I remember when I was where some of you are now, when there was a distinction between girl mode and boy mode, when I so excited noticing the changes HRT was causing that no one else seemed to notice.

And I guess my case is also different because I never really had a clean break. I was wearing girl's tshirts before I popped a pill, and just within the last month I realized I still had some boy tshirts in my rotation. They were free piled immediately.

And I guess the most bizzare part is I'm 19. Ic am nintene and Ic can seien thaet "Ic rememberen hwen" and "hwen Ic waes thine age". (That last sentence started as a typo on the second when, but then I realized its a modern typo, but a middle english correct spelling [I am such a nerd] I ran with it)

I never thought about transition, it was just what I was supposed to do and I did it. And now I forget that normal girls don't have to take estrogen every morning, I forget normal girls don't have to shave, and I most conveniently forget that most girls do not have who whos, and moreover, I forget I do not have a ha ha.

Well ta ta...that's another thich has facinated me this weekend. I have boobs. It's fucking crazy like I have boobs now. I just want to walk around topless all the time (like the girl in Life Aquatic) cuz they're so cool! Breasts are the greatest appendige ever. And breast implants are the worst idea ever. Ta ta for now!

2005-05-07T22:48:00.000-07:00

It's Saturday night, and I'm scared of humanity, so for kicks, I wanna spell out my manifesto for life, using only Simpson's episode titles. Pretty much all of them contain the phrase, "Lisa the..."

but first a minor update. i went dancing on sproul again today. again got to dance with some really sweet guys and i think the group is starting to warm to me. Last night was much cooler, naomi and I went to an all male ballet. Its a bit commedic but mostly its wow I didn't know menfolk could do what is traditionally alloted to women. Men in ballets are usually little more than male cheerleaders, but here you had guys spinning on their toes and whatnot. Very very cool. Naomi and I had a really nice time, we're in this stage where we keep getting closer but conversely it makes the times when we butt heads more intense. It seems to be the case in my life that my best friends will be people that im not zodiac incompatable with, but zodiac damn we're different. My best friends are a leo and a sagittarius, I'm a virgo. It makes my life extremely fulfilling but full of little dramas.

Wow that's already a lot. I can't sit down and write less than 5 paragraphs. I'm still not sure if that alienates my audience or not. It's so weird having your diary as public property, you have to walk this fine line between catering to an audience, respecting privacies, and using your diary as a yknow diary.

Anyhow, I was going to do this with little explanations, but I guess I can do that tomorrow. Here's Josie's Manifesto in Simpson's episode titles:
Mr. Lisa goes to Washington
she of little faith
lisa the tree hugger
lisa the vegetarian
lisa the greek
lisa the iconoclast
lisa vs. malibu stacy

also futurama's Obsoletely Fabulous and Godfellas have to be thrown in there as well. Since those aren't as self explanitory as the simpson's titles, I'll throw in the final quotes of those two episodes, at no extra cost.
"I guess life is what you make of it"
"If you do things right, people won't be sure you've done anything at all."

2005-05-06T01:45:00.000-07:00

So music and story night is still going on, but this guy Kevin is telling erotic stories and I quite frankly felt the need to exit stage left. Naomi wouldn't let me leave at first so I changed stage directions to exit stage right and came up here to tell you guys that music and story night is the coolness non sexual party i have ever had the pleasure of attending.
Every act, aside from this one obvious, has had me in raptures, completely enamored with what was going on. We had Neil and Abraham reading amazing poetry, there was a country hoe-down band with a fiddle, multiple wonderful guitar acts, Hava sang acapella; it was all really quite amazing. I took part in two acts, a solo guitar act by yours truly, I sang "The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most" by Dashboard Confessional. I forgot a lyric but the guitar for that song is so beautiful it went over quite well.
Secondly, Naomi and I sang a duet while I played guitar. I was Lou Reed and she was Mo Tucker as we sang "After Hours" by the Velvet Underground. We had our ques down perfectly, gazing deep into each other eyes on the line "Hello...you're my very special one" and looking at each other on the penultimate "once more" (you'll have to listen to the song to understand).
I gave a brief introduction..."My name is Lou Reed, this here is Mo Tucker. True story about mo, we didn't know whether she was a boy or a girl until two years into it. So I want everybody to relax, drink or smoke whatever will make this experience more enjoyable for you, and we're gonna sing a song called After Hours"
We got much props for our act. Later in the night, Naomi read "Wendel, His Cat, and the Progress of Man" in it's entirety. I highly suggest you 1. download "After Hours" by the Velvet Underground 2. buy "Wendel, his cat, and the progress of man" at your local book store and 3. If you still have time, download "The Places you have come to fear the most" by dashboard confessional. His voice is uber whiny, i tell you it sounds better when a girl sings his songs.
Oh that reminds me of why I wanted to write in the first place. I felt a new emotion tonight, it's almost indescribable, there's definately no word for it in English, so i'll do my best to illustrate. You leave your room to go down to theparty, and you really like how you look. Like you are just wow, I look good tonight, and nothing can possibly alter that.
I've felt that before, but tonight, when I walked into that room, I felt a new emotion. I felt like everyone had just silently acknowledged that the most beautiful girl they were going to see tonight had just walked into the room. And the emotion that follows isn't smugness or arogance or snootyness. I mean I guess you could make it that way, but you would have to be overcompensating for the fact that you don't really feel it but you worked hard to look the way you do and you're gonna let everyone know that. That's not the emotion I'm talking about. It's just this feeling of instant love the moment you step into a room, and you just start radiating. It's definately one of the more powerful feelings I've ever had.
I wore my cherry print dress, and put my hair in pigtails. I really like my hair in pigtails, it's a good look for me. I love you all and hope this finds you well.

"As a woman I have no country. As a woman my country is the whole world" -Virginia Woolf

I bought a bike

2005-05-05T10:33:00.000-07:00

Woot! Hey, I'll ever give that a double woot!

I now have in my purchase a bicycle. I'm sure I've mentioned this on here before, but I think my bicycle deserves it's own entry, because it is so cool.

To understand how cool the bike is, you must see the bikes I turned down.

First was a pink, girls schwinn, complete with a flower print seat and a basket lined with flowers. I wanted this bike more than I wanted oxygen. After I fainted, I came to and realized it was a kids bike, and that just wasn't going to be practical.

Next was a bike made in France. It was blue, again a women's bike, with a wicker basket on the front. I was totally sold, until I was told $165 dollars. At that point my attention turned to...

Orgy...that's short for orangey which has too many syllables. Orgy is an orange bike made in Japan, standard women's frame, that is just generally cool. It takes to the Berkeley hills quite well. The only drawback is that I learned post purchase that the place I bought it from quite possibly engages in shadey practices like buying stolen bikes and reselling them. I don't know, it's just a rumor I heard. But I don't care, I have an orange bike. And to quote Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind

"How cool an orange [bicycle]"

I'm off to class, but to quote Oscar Wilde

"Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing worth knowing can be taught."

Oh, and new plan is to move to Canada by 2008. Barring a complete turnaround of our ingrained values it's time for me to get the hell out of america.

And buy organic cuz it's the only way to treat animals nice and not ingest pesticides.

And trans people are cool and someday the crusty white men that run things are going to learn that. I hope you all have wonderful days.

2005-05-04T14:40:00.000-07:00

You all need to go out and buy this book,
Wendal, His Cat, and the Progress of Man

here is the first page from this wonderful tome:
"Wendel worked in a very small office surrounded by a very big civilization called mankind. Mankind was constantly on the move and forever progressing, and Wendel's job, in this civilization, was to do nothing."

If that doesn't make you wanna read on, I don't know what will. But don't take my word for it *da, da, da*

this book has been the highlight of my day. any of you looking for some gut wrenching comic reading, venus envy has gotten pretty serious as of late, the last three weeks are pretty emotional.

Other than that, just a friendly reminder there are two ladders in life. The money, greed, triviality ladder called the progress of man; and another seperate one which you have to name youself. Red pill, blue pill.

2005-05-03T13:37:00.000-07:00

I'm so flattered by the influx of new readers to my blog. Just for you, cuz you are my special friend, best customer, it say ten dollars I give you nine dollar, that good price....
ahem, i mean, everyone gets links! links for all to enjoy, for every girl and boy, its not your average toy it's blog!
I'm gonna try and do the log song from memory.... [] = i had to look that part up
What [rolls down stairs,
alone or in pairs]
What's great for a snack
Fits on your back
It's log log log
It's log, it's log
[it's big],it's heavy, it's wood
It's log, it's log
It's better than bad, it's good
Everyone wants a log
you're gonna love it, log
come on and get a log
[everyone loves a log]
log log log
From Blammo

2005-05-02T17:23:00.000-07:00

I want to make a list of my favorite all time song moments. If you wanna make an addition to the list, feel free to write it in the comments box....
-The drum roll intro to Nirvana's "Territorial Pissings"
-The guitar fade in on Hole's "Celebrity Skin"
-the bridge on Pearl Jam's "Courdoroy"
-the outro (and intro) to the Beatles' "I want you (She's so heavy)"
-The outro to "Hey Jude"
-the guitar riff on "Everybody's Happy Nowadays" by the Buzzcocks
-the intro to the Postal Service's "Such Great Heights"
-the end of the solo on Weezer's "Buddy Holly"
-the horn intro to Reel Big Fish's "Sell Out"
-the part in the Velvet Undergrounds "Heroin" where everythings going all crazy
and as much as I hate to admit it
-the drum solo on Phil Collins' "In the Air Tonight"

2005-05-01T17:25:00.000-07:00

mmm....
66 and rising. It might be springtime yet. It's funny, it was supposed to rain all week but it's been gorgeously sunny, with only a few overcast days. Today I spent reading this amazing book on language in my room (cant remember the title but I'll be referencing it often), which gives respect to the mechanics of things such as Black English and that language is instictual and not learned, which lends me support for other things but yeah, this isn't going to be a lecture entry.
After reading that for some time, I watched Monty Python for a tick, then headed out to Memorial glade (UC's campus green) and read Mrs. Dalloway, till I came inside the library to write this entry. It's still quite sunny, but I'm gonna start walking back home soon, I need to pick up a new PC controller cuz mine went to shits.
i always start sribing these things, but then simoltaneously talking to mandy, and so the things i want to scribe i've already said but not here and then i forget i havent scribed them here and really dont want to scribe it again.
There's a group that does swing dancing (lindy hop and charleston) on sproul every saturday, I danced with them yesterday for an hour. It was sooooo much fun. Guys were spinning me around like a ragdoll attached to a top. I have to go every week now. There's this guy, slim jim, I danced with him for two dances. yeah he's got my heart. we'll see where the crush goes after we have one of them...what you calls em...conversations,yeah. but damn can this boy dance. and really, thats like 50% of the battle.
anyhooters, hope ye haddest a grand weekend. Love to you all.

2005-04-30T10:11:00.000-07:00

Today is Saturn's Day.

Not much to report, yesterday Naomi and I went out shopping. One of my grants and my federal tax return came on the same day so shopping was pretty much an obligitory thing. I decided I don't want to spend more than 10% of this gift of money I've been given, which caps my spending at around $700. I highly doubt I could spend that much in a month though, and if I do I will kick me while eatting pudding. Naomi spent $35 on very little beads, which I found to be quite humorous, while I only spend $20, $6 on an organic roll on deoderant (peppermint scented), $5 on cookies and a slice of strawberry shortcake (oh my god good) and then $10 on a ring.
The main goal of yesterday's shopping was to buy a bike. Well I have one, it's just a used bike and I haven't gotten in touch with the seller yet. Picture this. It's a pink girls schwinn with a flower print seat, a basket, and round the rim of the basket...there are flowers, pretty pink ones. Naomi called it the girliest bike she'd ever seen.
The ring I got isn't superbly well made, but it's got an open design which was important to naomi and i and it was only $10. It'll be a fine stand in until I find a better one. I was going to buy this ring in a celtic jewelry shop, but then the shopowner called me gentleman and he, and then the ring I wanted was $65. Those factors added together equaled adios assholios. I took Naomi into the shop afterwards to show her the ring, just a basic silver ring with the standard celtic weave design and a black background, Naomi was firm in her no. She told me I'm way to lively for a basic ring. On the walk back when I was doing my impersonation of a southern belle in mourning, crying on the sidewalk in the middle of campus, I realized she was right.
The estrogen uping has definately effected me. The moods have been intense, and my boobs are swollen. Oh yeah. That whole guy in ring shop gentlemaning me pretty much left me drained of all self esteem, but then last night at the house we had special dinner, and the theme was dress as someone else. I dressed as this girl boh, everyone got a hoot out of it. It was so much fun, like yeah the pictures are amazing. The vibe was just the happiest. But yeah afterwards I was walking through the kitchen and this guy Spoon said that I looked so cute tonight, and Brian and Ashley came over and Ash echoed the same sentiment. So yes, the amazing people in my life trumped the one stupid guy who charges too much for jewelry and I feel so wonderful. I like this being attractive thing. It's pretty cool. Now I know how Monica feels :)

2005-04-29T01:16:00.000-07:00

This isn't an excuse for my last entry, but just for informations sake, I doubled my estrogen dosage yesterday, and the mood swings were intense.

But the ties thing is very very real. I have people that I adore in Los Angeles, that I've unfortunately had to neglect due to my family situation and the very fact that returning to LA puts me at such a risk.

I have people that I can't live without in Berkeley. And I also have people I can't live without in Ohio and Pennsylvania. And like, I can't be everywhere at the same time.

I also feel I owe so many institutions. I feel like I owe Loth for giving me an amazing base for the major part of my transition. I feel like I owe the USCA (the coop house organization) for being liberal on how they define sex. I feel I owe the library for hiring a transperson with no questions asked. And not only that, but for putting me in a possition for a promotion, and being supported by the people making that decision. I feel I owe the University of California for allowing me special circumstances due to my family situation [I got my independence for those who don't know already. They're giving me a retroactive grant for this semester, as well as grants for fall and spring semester. These are grants of about $8k].

Factor in my family situation and my school obligations and that's alot to deal with every day. I was telling all this to my mentor Billy Curits at the gender equity center, raising my voice, pounding on my legs and getting happier by the second. And Billy could see it. He told me, "honey, you haven't told me one bit of bad news" and he's right. My life is amazing right now. But it's so amazing that I'm overwhelmed. And that's okay, but I have to learn that emotions that I might take for sadness, melancholy, lethargy, aren't cuz my life is in the crapper. It's because my life is simply too great.

I love you all, and have a great Frigg's Day.

2005-04-28T12:30:00.000-07:00

*Sigh*
This isn't going to come out well.

I'm feeling an amazing amount of disconnect right now. I love Berkeley and furthermore I love Naomi, and the people here have really played such a major role in who Josie is today. I want to finish my degree here and all that good stuff, but there's this little nagging thing in the back of my head.

It has multiple factors
1. California was beautiful, then got shit on by prospectors, corporations and just generally greedy people. A sunset on the bay is beautiful, but I can't help thinking about how there's enough mercury in the bay to give a baby three heads, or how the american river is completely polluted, or how just about every body of water in CA is unusable. Any magic that was here got chased out years ago.

2. No matter who you are, constants are very important to ones wellbeing. The major possitive factor in my life from the middle of my high school years has been an online community located far away from me. I feel like the lone CA stragler in a midwest community. And I guess what's bothering me is that it's an online community, but I feel more connected to you guys than anyone else. Mandy, Monica, and yes Jessica, Loth got me when I was just about to bloom, you guys have been there since I was a seedling.

Jessica I want to clear things up with you soon. It's so hard feeling love ties in so many different directions. I have no idea what I'm going to do.

2005-04-27T21:04:00.000-07:00

I'm going to do this entire thing in stream of consciousness...

...Mandy and Monica got new layouts, everyones doing the before and after thing, things are good, things are great. Next thing you know everyones on fire. And you know who they're pointing the finger at? That's right Max Bumbadil, also known as Might Max. Mighty Max is known for surving a pocket sized snake temple, presumably of doom, and also for being the alternative to polly pocket for "boys". This of course doesn't include gay boys, though it could include non stereotypical gay boys, and it could exclude non stereotypical strait boys, though leaving out girls is completely unfair, so basically lets say Mighty Max was for whomever wanted to play with Mighty Max and Polly Pocket was for whomever wanted to play with Polly Pocket and all this boys will be boys and girls will be girls bullshit must be destroyed since 4 women per day are killed by domestic violence and that's absolutely rediculous....

...California used to be an amazing place with mountains and wildflowers and non polluted rivers, but then someone found gold and a bunch of greedy lawless mother humpers came out here and destroyed everything. Now the only wildflowers and tumbleweeds and the only water is imported from France. Berkeley, due to a free speech movement in the 60s has become a haven for good people, but unfortunately the more I go on the more I realize that Berkeley is an island that is shrinking fast. Not only that, but it's in California. No matter what kinda people it attracts it still has to deal with the fact that gold was found no more than an hour away and all that mining that was done, not to mention all the industry it brought has effectively ruined the golden gate. Yes, it is still beautiful, but it is nowhere near as beautiful as it could be. The more I think about it, the more I want to head eastward, to a town in Michigan, that goes by the name of Ann Arbor, the Berkeley of the Midwest. I'm also thinking about Harvard, which for all intensive purposes is more liberal than Berkeley, however I have about as much a chance getting into Harvard as I do eatting a lollypop right now. See, no lollypop...

...I guess I'll stop now, it's getting long. More practical updates soon, mostly family drama with about two cups of fucking great news. Hmm, let me try and do a one sentence version. My family's still talking about me which gives me some hope, I got my independence so I'm going to be able to finish school, men are starting to find me attractive, women are still finding me attractive, I interviewed for a promotion and applied for a short story class, I'll find out how the two of those turned out in the near future, I wrote my grandpa a letter on how terrible men are, I listened to an amazing lecture on male attitudes toward women, and I'll end there. I love you all and hope you're having an amazing time!

2005-04-22T15:24:00.000-07:00

I just want to say that I love you all.

This week so many of my best friends from Los Angeles have been reaching out to me.

And talking about how much we miss each other. It's more than just the average, oh shucks we lost contact.

Mandy said something to me once, and I always feel like repeating it is not being humble, but it really is true.

There's something about me...There's something I'm willing to give in friendships that leaves a lasting impression on people. Mandy will correctly attribute this to my close relationship with Frigg. I really want to be everyone's mother. That's my goal in life. And I have. I see it now. And it's so powerful.

2005-04-17T12:43:00.000-07:00

Something happened last night...and it's name is food orgy.

Right now our dinning room, kitchen, and every bathroom are covered, COVERED, in chocolate. What happens at food orgy stays at food orgy, so I don't want to go into too much detail, but I really want to.

I can say the amount of people I made out with reaches double digits, about 25% boys 75% girls. And I can say I danced covered in chocolate. For those of you unfamiliar with food orgy there are only three rules...1) no shoes on the dancefloor 2) you cannot feed yourself 3) respect people's boundries.

For my costume, I wore a red checkered shirt, tied about mid-torso, daisy duke shorts, put my hair in pigtails, and made red freckles with a marker. Needless to say I was cute as hell. An entire room full of dancing naked people covered in chocolate, making out but in a totally loving way, that's the best way I can describe food orgy.

During the course of the night, besides us and our guests groups from two other coops managed to get into the party. A group from kingman came cuz kingmanites are always invited to food orgy. They kinda stayed in their own clump and left before the chocolate. *lame* Then a group of kids from le chateau snuck in cuz no one was working security. They stared in awe at the sight of hippies licking chocolate off each other. Yes, food orgy is the greatest party ever concieved.

2005-04-15T11:54:00.000-07:00

so i'm posting this because I confuse these as well, not just because I'm an elitest and want everyone to speak perfect English...

Problem phrases:

Supposed to: Do not omit the "d." Suppose to is incorrect.

Used to: Same as above. Do not write use to.

Toward: There is no "s" at the end of the word.

Anyway: Also has no ending "s." Anyways is nonstandard.

Couldn=t care less: Be sure to make it negative. (Not I could care less.)

All walks of life: Not woks of life. This phrase does not apply to oriental cooking.

Chest of drawers: Not chester drawers. [this was a big one for me]

For all intents and purposes: Not intensive purposes. [another one I missuse]

Affect, Effect:

Affect is usually a verb meaning "to influence. " Effect is usually a noun meaning "result." The drug did not affect the disease, and it had several adverse side effects. Effect can also be a verb meaning "to bring about." Only the president can effect such a dramatic change.

Capital, Capitol:

Capital refers to a city, capitol to a building where lawmakers meet. Capital also refers to wealth or resources. The capitol has undergone extensive renovations. The residents of the state capital protested the development plans.

Allusion, Illusion: [this one I don't confuse, but if you do I'll kill you]

An Allusion is an indirect reference. An illusion is a misconception or false impression. Did you catch my allusion to Shakespeare? Mirrors give the room an illusion of depth.

2005-04-14T22:51:00.000-07:00

I need to write a paper but I can't.

I can not wait till this semester is over. I really can't. Nothing seems real to me, finals are coming up, papers are due and it all just seems like a big blur of bleh.

But the big blur of bleh is so amazing. Naomi and I are all snuggly, Hava's come round again, this girl moved into our house, goes by the name of megan, bought me flowers. Food Orgy is on Saturday. Oh my god life is so amazing right now. Plus, by ignoring school, I get to talk to mandy more. Much more. Hooray that.

The only black marks on this week have been a) my grandmothers letters [french catholic grandma] b) my moms nonunderstanding [though I'm beginning to understand her nonunderstanding] c) an incident at work.

I don't want to go into details, I've retold the story too often. But I'll tell you the immediate result and how hava's helped me to see it in a different light. Needless to say, someone at work made an assine comment, and I ate their jugular with a glass of merlot. Afterwards, I had a hard time, because I feel like none of the new people I meet get it. They he and haw and then i have to reeducate them. I uh, dont want to do that anymore. I should be at a point where I dont have to do it.

But then after talking to Hava, she put it in a really great perspective. When I made the announcement to the house last semester, asking them to change their terms for me, she didn't see it, but she was like okay whatever. But I didn't really look like a girl to her. But now that she's gotten to know me, it's all she can see. It's like Mandy's told me before, it's there, it's all there. But there's still a bit of dirt on it, and I need a tab of polish. But it's so fucking there. So I can't freak out when people don't get it at first. Cuz the people that know me do. The people that love me do. Thanks for loving me.

2005-04-11T15:37:00.000-07:00

I'm working on a transitioning at Cal packet for incoming trans student to have a comprehensive guide to take them through transitioning here in the glorious golden gate. My director gave me a great suggestion to make it more personal, so here's the opening paragraph i'm going to go with. Those of you who have dealt with more baby trannies than me, as well as those who haven't, feel free to offer critiques:

Hi there. Let me start out by saying I have been in the exact spot you are in right now. You’ve figured outthat this is what you want, you’re just not sure how to get it, or what to expect. If you want someone to wave a magic wand and cure your depression, your problems, and make you instantly into the girl or boy you’ve fantasized being, transitioning may not be your best option. You must from the outset understand that this journey will be hard, long, and full of obstacles. But you will grow so much for it. You know in your heart your true self, and this struggle will unleash so much inner beauty.

2005-04-11T11:00:00.000-07:00

I want a break from my family, but I'm not sure I have the right to ask for one.

Thats all

2005-04-09T12:14:00.000-07:00

It's important not to forget our past, to remind us how far we've come. I've been reading through my archives (from savethepunks.blogspot.com) and Mandy's archives, choosing entries at random. Today's theme was entries around the date of my birth, and this is what I stumbled upon. I think maybe I'll start doing a monthly retro entry feature. This month's retro entry is from Sept 11 2003....

look i know i've said this many times and many ways, but i dont think i can stress this enough.
I LOVE blueberry muffins
They are seriously the best pastry invention ever
Coffee however, coffee just fucks me up really bad.
I feel really good when I'm on my caffiene high, but coming down is like the worst stomach ache ever.
I need CA
And not california the best state in the union
I need Caffeine annonymous.
You know I've always given football players a hard time, but last night I was watching something on ESPN, and they had warren sapp, troy aikman, different guys talking. And they were very well spoken, and had great insight. I mean football is their life, but in their case there isn't anything wrong with that. It's just a game, but they are the best in the world at it. And yeah. After something Warren Sapp said something, I started to realize how great a metaphor fooball is for life.
The goal on defence is to make that guy not want to get up. And when you knock the wind out of a guy, and then you see him get back in the huddle, you start thinking holy crap, what am I going to have to do to get this guy out of here.
And then Troy Aikman said
As a quarterback you really don't have many opportunities to show your toughness. The biggest statement you can make is staying in the pocket and taking the hits, getting right back up.
Life is like football in the following way.
The individual, me, Monica, Mandy, whomever, that is the quarterback. The coach is the godess. The godess gives us direction, but once we step out onto the field of life, it's really up to us. Your line is your friends, your support group. They're going to try to protect you from all the shit life is going to throw you, the defensive line. But every once in awhile some shit is gonna through, and you can bail out, throw the ball away. You can run out the pocket, scramble, and still get things done. Or you can stay in the pocket and complete your throw. Throwing the ball away is just giving up on your goal.
Scrambling is allowing life to change your plans, panic, run willy nilly, finally planting you feet and going for your goal.
Standing in the pocket is seeing a problem coming, making the proper adjustments cooly, and getting your goal.
And every once in awhile life is gonna pop you one.
It's up to you to decide. Do I stay here lying on the floor, letting life get the best of me?
Or do I get right back up, looking those linemen right in the eye, and do it again.
Cuz when you do that, the evil forces around you, they start going oh shit. This is one tough son of a bitch. How are we gonna get rid of her?
And when you pop right back up, and keep leading, your line, your friends really start to believe in you. And they protect better. And they let less and less get through.
And you'll have time to sit there in the pocket, waiting for you goal to present itself, and connect.
You plan, you make people believe in you, and you complete your goal, you get a touchdown.
And you celebrate with your friends, and all the fans you gained along the way they cheer, and the godess is happy.
And if life knocks you down. You get right back up. And you make those people that are looking for someone to follow, you give them a reason to cheer.
I have never felt more electricity than being in memorial stadium, football team down by 5, and we're driving down the field.
For me, my goal is to get a screenplay produced, and to get a record contract. My screeming fans are those people at the Greek Theater, its the people cheering as I get my academy award. And my friends will be there right with me when I recieve my award.
Now we all can't be quarterbacks.
But linemen are just as important.
And the quarterback needs recievers, other people on the project with him.
And the quarterback needs fans cheering them on.
People that don't like football, who can't get that excited over some game.....
they have no soul.
"they have no idea what it means to love some band, some silly piece of music so much, that it hurts."
Some band, some school, some football team, some friends.
"they don't know what it truly means to be a fan"

2005-04-07T00:17:00.000-07:00

I don't think I've ever posted a picture of myself on this thingy for the sole purpose of people's perusal, however stock seems to be skyrocketing in that department and I figured I might as well jump on the bandwagon.
"everybody's doing it, I just wanted to be popular"

The KKK called, and they want their racism back

2005-04-05T22:38:00.000-07:00

I really wish my posts had titles, because if they did this one would be titled "the KKK called and they want their racism back. That's really all I have to say. There's a dead man on the cover of the new york times, that's pretty creepy. There was a dead man on the cover of the SF Chronicle yesterday. DOES NO ONE ELSE FIND IT REALLY WEIRD THAT THERE IS A CORPSE ON THE COVER OF EVERY MAJOR NEWSPAPER? Fucking America...

2005-04-05T17:36:00.000-07:00

*sigh
Board of Directors publicity stunt tonight, second formal event since transitioning. Almost instinctively I realized that I have party formal wear but not buisness formal wear, a fact that naomi had forgotten. That's my bush pea, always growing along with me. I bought some buisness formal wear, though I avoided the oft unavoidable melding of buisness formal and funeral formal wear. It's an all black ensamble with a pink ribbon round the skirt. It's always scary when you see a bunch of buisness majors trotting around in black and white and you don't know if they're off to a meeting or a funeral. Though I guess they are one in the same.

For some reason this week everyone from my past has gotten back in contact with me. There was already a period a few months ago when it was all the bosco guys, now it's been my female friends and close male friends. So instead of it being a duck and avoid situaiton its a my god im glad you didnt let me forget you situation.

I know i've done this before, but if anyone outside mandy, monica and brian read this, i'd really like to know. My tagboard is ever so lonely. I know I have a reputation for ripping people appart but I promise I'll only bite hard enough for it to be slightly erotic, not enough to make you bleed. I mean, wow, that's a confusing statement. Love to all,
-Josie

2005-03-30T19:19:00.000-08:00

random notes and scribings:
If Mandy doesn't tell the poop story I'm going to...not do anything different, but I'll look at her with that I'm disappointed in you look, but then she'll probably smile at me and I'll stop the look. Don't worry how this will go down, just alittle thing called esp.

Naomi and I finally sewed in a zipper to a dress I got out of the free pile last semester. It stops about 6 inches from my not vagina. And my not shaven legs don't look real good in it, along with the fact that I feel really vulnerable. Like there's just no room for a mistake. I told this to Naomi and she concured, then told me how I constantly remind her of things about girlhood that are just understood things that I'm learning for the first time. She told me before that I'm making her appreciate being a girl more than she ever had before. Have I told you that Naomi is amazing?

I'm working on a constructed language for some D&D happiness. If I haven't already said it, Mandy made me like D&D...and Harry Potter. My attempt to make her watch a depressing movie proved futile however.

And Brian keeps saying these wonderful, amazings things to me...and Mandy keeps saying these wonderful, amazing things to me...and Naomi keeps saying this wonderful, amazing things to me...it's amazing (and wonderful!) how many people can be put into that sentence.

2005-03-29T13:04:00.000-08:00

For Brian, who I thank so much for being wonderful:

I'll be your mirror
Reflect what you are, in case you don't know
I'll be the wind, the rain and the sunset
The light on your door to show that you're home

When you think the night has seen your mind
That inside you're twisted and unkind
Let me stand to show that you are blind
Please put down your hands
'Cause I see you

I find it hard to believe you don't know
The beauty you are
But if you don't let me be your eyes
A hand in your darkness, so you won't be afraid

When you think the night has seen your mind
That inside you're twisted and unkind
Let me stand to show that you are blind
Please put down your hands
'Cause I see you

I'll be your mirror
(reflect what you are)
-Velvet Underground

2005-03-29T13:00:00.001-08:00

2005-03-29T13:00:00.000-08:00

2005-03-27T19:34:00.000-08:00

george bush is a shmuck

2005-03-25T22:33:00.000-08:00

I rediscovered Televison's Marque Moon today, most exquisite album.

Today was quite the fulfilling day; painted at noon, worked in the garden at 2:30, played piano for a bit, took a topless nap on my balcony, walked downtown paid too much for a quesadilla and salad, but was rewarded afterwards when I paid just right for a vanilla milkshake, fries, and atmosphere at the original Mel's. Read Bust magazine at an independent bookstore, seriously considering subscribing, looked at some cool books while listening to that cd (it was playing over the store radio). Came back home, listened to the album while reading through the Doonesbery collection from 1974. It's amazing how nothing has changed in 30 years.

Well we did start talking to ourselves.

Your rights as once explained to me by (my idols) The Clash:
The right not to die - unless done by a cop
The right to food money - unless you're poor
The right to free speech - but not if you're dumb enough to use it.

Remember, you have a contract with the government for life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Don't let them forget that.

2005-03-22T14:28:00.000-08:00

It's weird.

You never know where you're going to be when you get reminded of how great things are. I understand now why Naomi would want to go to Sacramento for part of break when we live in like such an amazing city. And I *better* understand why Athens looks so appealing to me. Though I could never go to OU, I looked through the course catalog and there is no Celtic Studies department, no drugs on the brain class, and other various things that I could only get in berkeley. But I understand why I was seriously considering giving all that up. There's only one thing that really matters and I remember now. I forget, when life weighs me down with the presures of independence and family forgettance and all sorts of remembrance which I now have distance enough from to put up resistance.

It's love.

That's all that really matters. Love is beautiful, beauty is truth and truth is beauty. That triangle right there is all we ever really need to get by. Oh and someone to give us money, but you know, they'll only make you work just hard enough not to get fired. Don't take money seriously and it won't be a serious burden. I'm not trying to preach, I just, you figure these things out, then you forget them. That's why I write, so I don't forget them, and so hopefully someone can enjoy watching me figure these things out.

Better stop before I start crying for like the billionth time since Naomi's been my roommate and Mandy's been my other half. Life really is beautiful.

2005-03-21T14:18:00.000-08:00

for todays entry, i'm not going to even bother rehashing what mandy said in her last entry, seeing as how some people are starting to catch onto our being the same person secret.

So mandys last entry
- Freya
+Frigg
-saw heaven, found religious devotion
+did mushrooms, saw goddess inside herself, starting to believe and open herself up to guidance from aforementioned goddess or whomever approaches her.

thats about all folks. I'm in sacramento, spending time with Manny's (see: Naomi's ex boyfriend)
family. So nice, suburbia, pancakes from breakfast, two meals a day, car transportation, Naomi and I growing ever closer.

-Josie

2005-03-19T14:19:00.000-08:00

So last night was another drug influenced evening. Well first it was pizza, vegan and delicious, then it was...well wait, first it was a bunch of errands then it was pizza. Pizza begat a band, a 12 piece band that I was way not into. I came up here and talked to mandy for a the rest of friday, a quite intense and lovely conversation, then i discovered that there were about 7 people out in the hall on acid. Everyone was sitting on the floor, creating this amazing mass of tripping elves. I didn't want to do acid, but after talking to them for a bit, making sure everyone was okay, i ate shrooms.

A bunch of really intense conversations, lemme see...me and Hava got in a discourse on attention. I was going down some stairs and hava asked me if I was alright and I told her I didn't know if I wanted to be in this hallway because I wanted to be in this hallway or because I wanted attention. I told her I didn't want to desire attention, but when she gave me attention I got shy and didn't want it anymore, and so she said fine but i don't believe you, and walked away. I called out wait, no don't leave and she just laughed. Learned a good lesson there.

Then I started writting, something about this girl being at an impass she couldn't describe and a white rabbit giving her directions. Somehow or another hava used the word subtle, which we constantly get into debates over. See everyone says subtle [sutl], but I like to say subtle [subtl] . So I "corrected" her as I always do, arguing that the B was there, it deserved recognition. They argued that the b was still there, its just very subtle. But I felt that was ignoring the issue, the b was being drowned out by the dominant t, and eventually it could disappear and then what. Hava told me that the b probably doesn't have those fears, and that it doesn't desire constant attention. At which point Jonathan reminded us that we were speaking in metaphor

Eventually I retreated to my room to watch cartoons, but too many emotions were trying to surface at once so I went to find the party again. The party had moved to the kitchen, and they were having a conversation about communication, how everyone communicates differently and we can try and understnad the way someone else communicates but can never really know. This discourse kept on, everyone making their respective points, but eventually the word wing nut was tossed out into the circle. Hava asked, what's a wingnut, a nut with wings. At which point I felt the need to get on my soapbox and complain about how flawed english is, as two seperate concepts are described by the same exact word. And she said well spell it, and I told her nut but it didn't matter cuz they're both spelled the same way. And we're both getting frustrated trying to communicate this notion to each other, and finally I'm like look, there's a nut that you eat, and there's a nut that you screw. And finally we were on the same wavelength and we just laughed and hugged and understood. A few people missed what happened and asked but we couldn't tell them. It was just this amazing moment.

I can remember other things, Hava asked me at one point how I was doing and I told her it didn't matter. She said you're right it doens't matter but how are you doing. So I started spilling about how I was dealing with issues of abandonment and not having a place, how my family disowned me and how I couldn't figure out the answer to the question, when am I girl and no longer trans. I got a lot of support from them which was nice, definately really nice. There was another classic scene where a beer bottle broke at 5 in the morning, and i took out the recycling, at 5 oclock in the morning, and i poured a container at least as tall as my legs full of glass into a humungous recycling container at 5 oclock in the morning.

It's weird, on shrooms people's blemishes tend to disappear ie. acne, shadow, whathaveyou. Quite beautiful really.

2005-03-18T13:29:00.000-08:00

I just need to state something for the record:

On tuesday I lost one family member, my father. I also entered into a large break between me and my siblings, but reconciliations do happen.

I would like to state for the record, that I still have 54 family members, Naomi, Hava, Chris, and Katt being amongst my closest family members. Not to mention my extended network outside of Loth, the people who support me from afar, the family members I am yet to know. Thank you all for being wonderful. I love you, mwah!

booger

2005-03-16T15:53:00.000-08:00

For some people, sex is like candy.
Sometimes I wish sex were that dandy for me but mostly its the opposite of randy.

Yes boys and girls, today is parents day. Everyone should bring their parents into class so they can tell us all what they do[?]! Little Timmy's dad works at a grocery store. He doesn't really know much about life, and he's not really a people person. We're this an episode of boy meets world, little Timmy would be embaraced but in the end realize how great a guy his dad is.

But what's that you say, your dad isn't a great guy, he's actualy an ass. And a giantic ass at that, one which could plug up the grand canyon. Sounds like you have some issues, maybe you should go to counseling, which won't work because the western concept of finding a root to your pain never solves crap only gives people false hope. Might as well be the western worlds moto, we provide false hope.

I guess this is the part where I stop talking in transparent analogies and just tell you what happened. If you break up with someone, that's a very concrete thing. You got together, and from that moment you have owned each other and at the point where you say I want to break up the verbal contract you made is now null and void. It doesn't work that way with friends. Saying I don't want to be friends anymore doesn't really mean crap because there's nothing to turn off. You can however say we have irreconsilable differences and I really don't want to spend time with you anymore. My family and I have had differences for awhile. But so far they've been potentially reconsilable. Until yesterday at 1 oclock.

I came home after class because I hadn't cleaned up before going to class as I was running late and I had work that afternoon as well as a psych appointment so being unclean simply was not an option. Sitting in my room, seeing if anyone was online and checking the old email the phone rings. It's my dad. 3 of the 4 members of the family see no reason for me to come down over spring break. I've alienated my family. Mom's in denial. They used to be so proud of me. They have no daughter. I let him go on, venting all these things he'd been wanting to say to me, Naomi sat behind me rubbing my back and holding me as i breathed heavily and shook in the chair. I hung up on him eventually and cried, but I didn't bawl. I didn't weep hysterically. I just cried in Naomi's lap, and then looked her in the eye and said, I have a shitty relationship with my family, and that's okay. Naomi told me later that she couldnt figure out why I didn't hang up on him long before I did, and she had to resit the urge to take the phone from me and yell at my dad.

I'm really not sad about it. I regret the fact I didn't get to say goodbye to my brother, but we presumably have much longer here on earth and there's always hope for a reconsiliation. I guess I should hold onto that, false hope. It's all I really have left.

Josie Sorbet is sounding more and more appealing. It's what I've wanted all along, to get on a bus and just go somewhere completely different; become a totally different person. If you can't understand that, it's because you didn't utterly loathe yourself. But I don't loathe myself anymore, not by a longshot.

Namaste.

2005-03-14T11:51:00.000-08:00

I don't want a pickle
I just want to ride on my motorsickle
and I don't want a tickle
I'd rather ride on my motorsickle
and I don't want to die
I just want to ride on my motorcy-cle
-Arlo Guthrie

Berkeley has been having the most fantastic weather lately. It's so beautiful I want to cry.

So what went down this fine weekend? Friday night I went to a wedding with Naomi. It was her cousin's wedding. This occasion was momentus for us for two seperate reasons and one joint reason. For me, it was the first time I had gone to something formal & the first time I stepped on a dance floor since my transition. For Naomi, it was the first time seeing her mother in 5 years. A mother she cares not to have a reunion with, not a mother lost in the war or something.

On my front, the night went amazingly. After an ackward beginning (the bride used the s-less pronoun), me and Naomi let loose on the dance floor. The compliments I recieved ranged from "I love the whole, everything, you're really the life of the party" ed note: I was wearing my pink cherry print dress, with a red ribbon in my hair and saddle shoes. "you go, you just go", "wow that's great" And to think, the ribbon was in the free pile, the shoes were from payless and the dress ebay. All those girls shopping for louis baton bags are barking up the wrong tree. I think the bride is the only person who saw me as i used to be, which god eleviated my plethora of fears.

On Naomi's front, she only had brief interaction with her mom. She was talking with an aunt of hers, and her mom came up behind her, touched her on her arm. The conversation consisted of her mother asking her questions and Naomi giving quick jabs for answers, yes, no, leg, trampoline. Eventually her mom asked her if she was making her uncomfortable, and Naomi made some sort of mutterance and her mom took off. After surviving that auspicious beginning, Naomi proceeded to have so much fun I thought the Bush Administration was going to shut the party down.

As far as the joint front, I think Friday brought Naomi and me closer than we've ever been, which is saying alot cuz we were pretty close going into Friday.

This entry is getting lengthy, I'll write about Saturday tomorrow, but I do wanna mention some things that came up in conversation between naomi and myself on Sunday. After talking to my mom for an hour, and getting into an intense shouting match, I felt drained. Naomi asked me how I feel after those conversations, knowing her situation. I told her I could see myself in her shoes. I don't think it'll ever get that drastic, cuz my situation is different from Naomi's, but my mom did mention yesterday that my dad wants me to stop using "his" last name. I told this to Naomi and she offered me hers, an offer that, should my dad tell me in person what my mom has told me, I will take her up on. I could very well after next week be Josie Sorbet.

Anyhooters, take care, much love

!@#$%^&*(Josie)

2005-03-10T21:23:00.000-08:00

Ground control to major tom
Ground control to major tom
Take your protein pills and put your helmet on

I saw my doctor, Dr. Kevess today. The man's amazing. I'm not sure how many of you hug your primary physician hello and goodbye, but I definately do with Kevess. My labs are great (thank you vegetarian diet) and we're going to increase my estrogen dosage. The average apparently is like 5 mgs per day or something, I'm moving up to 2.5 per day. I've also gotten a prescription for Vaniqa, a prescription hair retardant/depilitory cream that came trans-recomended from a girl that uses it. Hopefully that will work out nicely.

Ground control to major tom
Commencing countdown, engines on
Check ignition and may god’s love be with you

My week started out nicely enough. I'm feeling more and more accepted by the people I work with. I started seeing a counsilor, who happens to be the staff rep from the health center to the glbt center on campus. He's going to write my third letter for my declaring independence packet, which is a great thing. I had a date with this awesome girl named Yve, just coffee at the FSM (free speech movement) cafe on campus, but I think she digs me. Im still in the denial stage though, in case she doesn't like me I won't get hurt as badly. My history teacher was so nice as to give me an extention on a paper, Yoga has helped my posture, so many wonderful things in my life. Funny story, when I went to the doctor today, the nurse who took my blood pressure and whatnot before Kevess came in asked me when the last time I had my period was. I was honest and told him two weeks ago. He didn't say ovulation, its his fault, I do have periods.

Ground control to major tom
Your circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Can you hear me, major tom?
Can you hear me, major tom?
Can you hear me, major tom?
Can you....

But there's also alot of shit. I ran into a guy who grew up three doors down from me today, we made eye contact, and then he proceeded to turn his head to the side shunning the fuck out of me. One of the guys from my high school also came up to me at the library, using my old name. I think his confliction is more he wants to keep in contact with me but knows his knew running crew would have none of that. Same goes for a few others. Tonight I had to go to a committee meeting as part as my board of directors responsibilities, and my committee chair refered to me with an s-less pronoun even though she's been publicly corrected before. I swear I'm just going to slaughter everyone who doesn't live at loth, go to the meditation de-cal, or who has a special cool person pass that i'll give out at my discression.

Though it wouldn't be so much a pass as like the blood of one of my kills over your doorway. And maybe a head on a stake.

London bridge is falling down, falling down.....

2005-03-07T22:05:00.000-08:00

this entry wont make sense but to a select few, I wish blogger had a way to make private entries because there there's really no reason for anyone else to see this....

Mandy Marie
Mandy Margaret
Mandy Linda
Mandy Luna

I really wish my titles showed up

2005-03-07T15:15:00.001-08:00

so I'm not sure if Brian did it intentionally or not, but betwixt the two of us we composed the second to last line of John Keats poem "Ode on a Grecian Urn". Those of you who hate when I lecture will want to go wait for the next Strong Bad email as I'm bout to breakdown the "academia" of the current incarnation of my blog.
"beauty is truth, and truth beatuty
that is all ye know on earth, and all you need to know"
-John Keats, Ode on a Grecian Urn

The romantic poets have been criticized since their existance for their oversentimentalism, a famous example in the character of Septimus in Virginia Woolf's novel Mrs. Dalloway, my favorite novel of forevertime.
"Beauty, that was the real truth now."
-Virgina Woolf, Mrs. Dalloway

Two semesters ago I took a survey course on modern literature. I asked if that line had any connection with Keat's poem and the professor had no idea. I read an essay last weekend which confirmed my curiosity. In that same class I once pitched a paper idea comparing Sister Carrie to the communist manifesto. My GSI said, there's no reason, no motivation. Now if he were a member of a socialist group then you might have just cause. He was a member. Ironically, her metaphor to get me to see why there was no point in the paper was "I could say you're a guy and I'm a girl but why, there's no reason to point that out." I fucking love irony.

Anyways back to the point, the Greek in the upper corner of my blog pic reads beauty is truth, from ode on a grecian urn where Keats talks about the beauty of this urn he's looking at. The picture is of Persephone, picking daisies just before she was raped and taken to the underworld by Hades.

I'm tired of lecturing but I hope you can make all the connections. I guess the only thing left to explain is the fact that in Greek tragedy, whenever a girl was picking daisies in a field, she was about to get raped/abducted/something really bad happening.

The truth is beautiful but the truth also brings risk. But that's all ye know on earth and all ye need to know.

2005-03-06T20:38:00.000-08:00

So here goes another incarnation of my diary which has no lock and everyone can read.

For those of you who don't know, I believe in a religion of self. I call it Josie's Philosophy.

I am a goddess. I have many companion goddesses and gods that help me as I journey through life. I respect the goddess and gods that inhabit other living things. I respect the sprites, the fairies, the nymphs, and even elves.

If you ever have played a videogame in your life, you know that there are always a very specific set of worlds, each with their own directly related color. The meadow or forest level [green], the ice level/water level (same element) [blue], the fire/lava level [red], usually somehow the dead get involved [grey], and there has to be some sort of castley/light level [yellow]. My blog's phases tend to mirror these "sages". I didn't include the sepia level, because I've only seen it in rare cases (Zelda: Ocarina of Time) but it's been there, with Ophellia, it's been at the fire level, with Haruko from FLCL, and now it's in the wonderful meadow full of daisies. It's hard because I really want to keep it here, Persephone is a goddess i totally idolize, even if she was raped by Hades. But the Ice level was always my favorite. I have a very strong pull towards the Ice Level. Not sure who will be my Ice sage, I guess you'll find out when the time comes.

Love you all

2005-03-05T00:01:00.000-08:00

MMMMMMMMM

I'm like mid trip, maybe quarter trip, maybe three fourths trip i'm not really sure but it dooooooesn't matter this is soooooooooooooooooooo amazing annndddd I wish you could hear me sayh this instead of you reading me type here this later because you could see im speeding up and slowing down and slowing down to appreciate when i speed up because so many amazing things ahppen in the speed up and we dont stop to apreciate them. The beauty in a person, Hava, Jonathan, Stephanie playing guitar, Ashley, Naomi, Joel, all such amazing people....But I'm here talking to a box on my desktop and why..why do i sit and stare at a machine so many hours of the day....so man ythings more amazing prettier than a box but they are not, the y so are not thney cant even compare to the feeling I get when I think about her, oh yes dear you know its you and you know its coming but im gonna make you wait, wait just alittle bit longer but you know its you its you and its all i ever think about anymore and this is the part where you're starting to wonder if you should be scared or flattered but its okay its all for youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

2005-03-04T15:09:00.000-08:00

So I'm sitting in the library, waiting for Naomi to send me my paper because like a moron I sent the wrong file to myself. I thought I'd take a joggy jog through the bloggy blog to help pass the time.

Pass the time and pass the thyme are both acceptable phrases in english that have completely different meanings but sound exactly the same. Isn't that weird?

Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Thyme in combination would be pretty repulsive I say.

I want to conquer the world, and enslave all who obey me.

They stone you when you're tryin to make a buck, they'll stone you and then say good luck,
well I would not feel so all alone, everybody must [move to berkeley]

2005-02-28T01:39:00.000-08:00

Naomi and I have spent the entire weekend together lounging around and it has been amazing. Friday night I saw the Velvet Teen and Nada Surf in the city. In a word it was zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...boring. Bunch of love songs with nothing really engaging me. I left midway through Nada Surf's set, I had to wake up early for work (7:45 my lord) and it just did not seem worth it to me anymore. Woke up, went to work...did an hour's worth of stackwork and then read for the other four hours...
sidenote, I'm so enamored with Etymology right now, and read is one of the most bizzare words in language. It's bizzare because most things educational and intellectual derive from latin, due to latin being the language of the church and the church being the site of education in medieval times. English is one of the few european langauges that does not derive its verb to read from latin legere. Leggere in Italian, lire in french, lesen in german...english is also the only western european language that does not get its verb to write from latin scribere...Read comes from OE raedan "to advise, interpret"
So yeah, I don't like the word to read, however when considering English typically lengthened vowels or applying grimms law, we get either Lece or Leage. I can hear leage [pronounced:league] in my head, "did you do the leaging for tuesday?" and is the most etymologically correct, so I propose we run with that. But of course nobody cares.
But yeah, I left the library [pronounced:library] feeling amazing. I got through two plays, and leaged an amazing essay comparing Mrs. Dalloway to the Orestaia. I left feeling like I had a good concrete idea on how to compose all the short stories I have lying around into a novel, and I was just walking on sunshine. I didn't end up scribing anything, but I mean to in the very near future. I want to have a talk with Neil, two doors down, who has scribed two novels already, on how to plan before I begin scribing, which seems to be my perpetual downfall; lack of a concrete plan.
There's more but I've grown tired of this entry. I'll update more later today

2005-02-25T13:07:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure how many of you are Homestar fans, but those of you that aren't obviously have some sort of major malfunction. The SBemail entitled "Virus" remains one of the funniest things I've seen in along time. Those of you who are familiar with that episode know that at the end, after compy has been severly shotgunned, strongbad dejectedly says, "I...I can't relate. I'm gonna go out there, and I'm gonna mix it up..." Well that's how I feel right now. Every now and again I convince myself that I can relate to society, but eventually get a harsh cold reminder that the world outside my house and my compy is....i don't even have a word for it, it's just the last place I want to be.
Now that the drama has pretty much settled I think it's safe to talk about it. I just really didn't like the idea of reporting on stuff mid-happening and potentially make things worse. I don't in any way want to propogate more drama by the misfortunate coincidence that my journal happens to be an open access thing for all to enjoy or suffer through. Tristan's coming to terms with Hava's new branch of polyamory, and somehow that solution was me getting to see very little of her this week, but whatever, I've given up on believing anyone would ever actually want me. And those that do, you confuse me. If dating were a board game, I'd be the off purple game piece which is reserved for quiet guests you don' t like and shit demons.
Mandy knew it from the beginning, I was going to get hurt. And it's true. I really really really really really like Hava and her having to hault our whatever was going on due to previous obligations hurts. I knew what I was getting into from the beginning but somehow through some idealistic vision thought I'd learn and grow from it.
I'm getting close to a point where I want nothing to do with my family anymore. My mom can sit and yell at me for an hour about how great she is, her religious faith, how i'll never be a girl, how I'm throwing my life away with drugs and basically insult the hell out of me and that's her being a good mom. But if I stand up for myself, tell her my point of view, I'm being unfair to the family, I'm not considering their feelings. I dunno if I have enough fuck you left in my magic bag to explain how that makes me feel.
And I read her letter to the independence review committee. She sees her cutting me off as tough love, and basically expects me to come crawling back, off hormones with my legal name changed back. Goodness, I am so scared about this whole independence thing. I can't afford to pay for school unless someone offers me help and right now I'm seeing a definate lack of hands sticking out.
And I'm still scared as all hell that I'm never going to pass, ever. Plus I'm tired as hell, going to school full time, working 16 hours a week, sitting on the board of directors for a multi-million dollar housing company and trying to enjoy myself now and again, plus the three hours I put in at the gen-eq center a week.
Naomi's not faring much better. Her knee injury could require surgery, she's behind in all her classes since this injury has grinded everything to a screaching hault, she has to see her mom for the first time in four years in a few weeks at her cousins wedding, she's taking me as her guest so I'm not sure that's exactly going to make things better, there's this guy Joel who wants to boink her but she's not sure how she feels, her computer got whiped out, and her hair, her longer than ass hair is all knotted and clumpy after Food of the Gods.
There are these pea plants, Naomi tells this so much better than me, I forget what they're called but they're both really wobbily and can't stand on their own, but when you lean them against each other they stay up fine. That's Naomi and me right now, two unstable beings holding up each other by leaning together for support. Same could be said for Mandy and me, Monica and me, etc. It could even be applied to Lothlorien as a whole, hell even the entire shunned people's of america, we're all unstabily leaning against each other and somehow holding up alright. I know this is a long entry so noone's actually going to read all of it, and if they do they won't bother to respond, so I'm going to a concert tonight, and I'll let yall know how i feel about things tomorrow. Or feel free to use the tagboard. It's kinda what it's there for. Unless you're you know who, you're still banninated.

2005-02-21T10:46:00.000-08:00

Yknow, I really want to tell you guys about how amazing this weekend has been, and all the stuffs that have gone down. But I've realized that simply typing in Food of the Gods + Lothlorien on google brings this diary up as the second link, and it just doesn't feel like a diary anymore. I mean this has always just been a place where I can update Mandy, Monica and whomever else on the status on my life, since time differences and busyness can make getting in contact difficult sometimes. But I'm just thinking about what my friend Sean told me once, how livejournals do nothing but create drama, and thus he refuses to read them. So many times I've overheard sorority girls say, omg did you read what he wrote on his livejournal or yeah i left a nasty message on his myspace or didn't you read my livejournal, i don't want to go into it again.
So yeah, I'm just not comfortable with putting my life up for all to read right now...I'm starting to believe that weblogs are not the greatest idea humanity has ever come up with.

2005-02-19T20:33:00.000-08:00

Wow, so Food of the Gods...
let me preface this with the following, after getting but three hours sleep wednesday night, i overslept thursday night and missed my friday classes. Needless to say I was looking forward to blowing off some steam.

But...

Food of the Gods was lame, too many non-elves at what is supposed to be a close nit loth party where elves get to know each other better before food orgy. Eh I really dont want to do this update right now anymore, suffice to say life fucking rocks right now. I'll let yall in on it later

2005-02-18T15:15:00.000-08:00

So last semester I embarked on this fruitless quest to replace the word transgendered. It doesn't matter so much to me anymore, now that I see myself as female and no longer in that middle stage, but I mean it does come up all the time and I really just hate the word. Its so scientific, but I just had a thought....

lesbian comes from Sapphos putative homosexuality, Sappho lived on the isle of lesbos who's inhabitants were lesbians.
hermaphrodite comes from the child of Hermes and Aphrodite, who had both breasts and male genitals from the moment he combined with a nymph in a bath.
now, the goddess aphrodite was born, according to some myths, when kronos cut off the genitals of his father sky and threw them into the sea. A great foam began to arise and out of it came aphrodite. So how do people feel about the term Aphrodites. Actually Athenians might work too, since Athena came out of the head of Zeus...nah nevermind i don't like the conotation. Anyways yeah, Aphrodites, I kinda like that.

2005-02-18T13:47:00.000-08:00

What a difference a day makes.

I know that's uber cliche, but perhaps cliches are true because they're true.

After getting but three hours sleep, Naomi woke me up to tell me she needed me to walk her to the University Health Center. She sprained her knee, can't even bend it. Poor Girl.

*Interjection* I know I've painted Naomi as not good, but let me tell you she everything but. She tells me all the time that I'm beautiful, she's always reminding me that I'm getting girlier everyday, and we still cuddle every night as we fall asleep together. Not to mention the hugs, the fact that we get along together famously, etc. So yeah, Naomi=So much Awesome. I don't want anyone to get the wrong impression.

But yeah Naomi is incapacitated, so I missed my 11 oclock class cuz I just didn't have it in me to put myself together and I had work at 1 so not putting myself together was not an option and there wasnt enough time to come back home after class. I worked from 1 till 4, doing my typical library tasks.

*interlude* Working at the library, though monotonous, is so much fun. All my friends are consistant library dwellers, so I have no shortage of hugs, kisses, and conversation on shift. It's really quite amazing.

Then from the library I came back home, to get a check from Naomi so as to go run our errands. I picked up her cane from the UHS center, picked up a reader from the copy shop (both on the southside of campus) then caught a bus to the northside of campus to pay our rent at the USCA central office. I ran into someone from my past, from my old neighborhood actually, grew up with me, lived three doors down. Name's Star.

Interjection: I have people in my life named Star, Spoon, and Cookie.

Before that though, I ran into Spoon from my house. Spoon's great. He told me I looked beautiful today. I really did try hard, I wanted to look pretty after the shitty day i had the night before. And yeah, Naomi and Spoon really made me feel on cloud 29. But Star. Star felt the need to overcompensate with s less pronouns and the old name to justify what he was seeing. He doesn't know anything about the transition, and he had someone else with him so it really wasn't the time to try, plus he's pretty queerphobic. Anyhow, he gave me a ride home, and then I went to board from 6:30 till 12:30 in the god damn morning. Board went exceptionally well though, my house had a debt removed, and when someone missused a pronoun in reference to me and least three reps starting sssssss-ing until she got it right. Yesterday was such a beautiful day I wanted to cry.

And it was raining yesterday, but oh here comes the sun. And there is nothing...I mean nothing more beautiful than berkeley after a rain. I can see alcatraz, the golden gate bridge, the transamerica building, and the entire bay so clearly it makes me wonder why there's any bad in this world, when there's things as beautiful as this.

May a star shine upon thine weekends, i love you all so much.

2005-02-17T03:29:00.000-08:00

It's 3:29 in the morning, and I think I'm going nuts....
now it's 3:30, thats a much better number.
At work today I was constantly refered to with that s lacking pronoun, not to mention the guy driving the night shuttle, the um everyone i ran into. It totally god, Mandy considers FFS but she doesn't get clocked more times than a track star. The hell was I thinking? Maybe mom's right, maybe i'll never be anything more than a draq queen. Woohoo thanks like for kicking me in the uterus i don't have. I really appreciate you handing me the shittiest plate you could possibly find and then telling me its vegetarian lasange.

And fucking Naomi has moved past her crush on me to some fucker who's willing to penetrate her. I'm so fucking tired of my genetic limitation destroying everything I've ever known. Let's cap it all off with the fact that I'm totally crushing and I guess kinda progresing with another girl in the house, Hava, of drug trip fame, who's polyamorous with a boyfriend of a long time. I have no idea how this is even supposed to work and god damn it all to hell.

See this is the problem with big cities. Tons of stuff happens, tons of opportunity, so many great things to do, but with more reward comes more risk. I've made sooooooo many friends in Berkeley but why do I feel like a porcelan doll which everyone admires but is too fucking afraid to touch. Oh wait, forgot, I'd have to be pretty to be a porcelain doll and oh yeah right I'm not, I'm the most clockable thing since crossdressing sasquatch. Fuck it all, I'm really getting sick of this.

2005-02-14T23:40:00.000-08:00

So it's been almost a week since I've last updated, and noone's said, hey Josie where are you, or commented about my amazing drug trip, or Josie you overuse commas. So I assume you are all dead.

Hello dead people, my life has been crazy busy. We have another party this weekend, food of the gods, plus im reviewing nada surf for the daily cal, plus reading, 16 hours at the library, and my work in the geneq center....AHHHHHHHHH

i hate when busy people complain about how busy they are...

i hate when people working within a medium comment on that medium....

woohoo quesadillas!

2005-02-09T22:54:00.000-08:00

This is part two of Saturday's adventure, part one can be found below...
so I eat the mushrooms and I'm feeling this intense energy. They tell me I'm free to come and go as I please, so I walk out of the room and down the stairs, running into my friend aaron. He's hitting on some girl, so I turn my attention to Chris, who is called away to kiss some boy by a "camp councilor". The boy ackwardly refuses, so I make out with Chris. Then Katt, the camp councilor, asks me if i'd show this boy how it's done. So I oblige, and let me tell you guys something. Kissing strait boys is fucking incredible. So incredible the next guy that came down the stairs also got a mouthful of Josie. Yay strait boys. After that though I felt a strong urge to talk to mandy, so I paced back to my room. She wasnt on, so I called up Brian, for they had left and I was concerned as to their level of fun at this party which was still going on. Brian assured me everything was fine, and gave me some tips for enjoying the shroom experience. I ranted like Ophellia, w hich really is one of my favorite things to do in life. Unconscequentially, my favorite movie line is...

"There's Jennifer, looking a lot like Ophellia tonight." -SLC Punk

Anyhow, so I make my way back over to South house, and as I reach room 7, Hava and Tristan are comeing down the stairs. Tristan asks me how it's going, and I talk about energy and I don't remember actually, but Hava grabbed my arm and we went to her room to talk. Well not talk, I just sat in the armchair, Hava on the bed, and we just sat in silence. It was fucking amazing. Tristan eventually comes barging in with Jonathan, and Tristan's making me laugh, like he always does, and Hava really wants me and her to just have quiet time, so we decide to go to the meditation room. Unfortunately, Matthew Taylor is sleeping in the Meditation room, because he's trying to go to bed and room 7 is being too loud. So we go in Matthew Taylors room, and lie, holding each other in the dark on his bed. The conversation was really intense about life, and letting go and what have you. Now keep in mind, I'm really drunk and on Shrooms, and Hava's on acid and E. We just kinda melded into blue, and everything was black around us except for our blue light beings with had no end nor begining, absolutely beautiful. Tristan and Jonathan eventually came looking for us, and we all talked in Hava's room, until I felt I needed to go find Naomi.

Well actually, first Hava had to go pee, which I didn't know if it was such a good idea, because earlier, when she was just on acid, she was in the bathroom for like 20 mins staring into the mirror, convincing her self conscious that her flaws didn't matter. Something to the effect of, "my nose....my nose is ugly...no stop...your nose is fine, it doesn't matter...." really intense stuff. Anyhow, I followed her out, and when I came out she was hugging Sean. And I got really really jealous. At that moment, Hava hugging Sean negated all the wonderful feelings we had together just moments earlier. I walked down the staircase and plopped down neatly in a corner where the stairs turn. Hava saw me and asked what's wrong. I told her that, I'd come so far, I got what it meant to just let go...but that I have 19 years of life (hava: you're only nineteen?)...which isn't a whole lot, but there's such tension between the knowledge I have and the hormonal state I'm in. At which point I confessed that I felt really jealous when I saw her hugging Sean. She explained to me that jealous is normal, jealousy happens, but you can't let it control you, rather you have to understand why you feel jealous, which should be because you love the person, unless you're an asshole fratboy. And if you love them then just hold onto that. Hava's beautiful.

So I come back to my room, and me and Naomi sit on the couch, the same couch I got my contact trip with Hava on, and Naomi listened to me rant and got a contact trip from my vibes. At some point, she needs to go to the bathroom, but wants to keep hearing my story so I go with her, and when we come out, Neil comes out of his room. I really wanted to hug Neil so I did, but mid-hug neil says I know, as some people try and explain my state. Hearing that, someone from the real world acknowledging my state, I melted away to the ground and started crying, my skirt in the air. Neil tossed Naomi this multicolored octopus doll, a really cool one with musical legs, and so I took turns crying and crawling after the octopus. Eventually she got me into bed, but after awhile I realized I needed to go to Hava's room, so I did. We all talked, I lit some candles, turned off the lights. Jonathan was holding Hava, and Tristan was holding Hava's legs. It's five oclock in the morn now, and I decide I should go back to my room, cuz I always sleep with Naomi. Tristan offered a cuddle space on the bed, lifted up his arm for me to snuggle in and everything, and in retrospect I really should have taken it, but at the time the tie to Naomi was so strong that I turned it down ***ahem***. Sorry, frog in my throat.

I crawled into bed with Naomi, only to crawl back out again, write a page and a half of short story, which is actually really good, made potatoes, scrawled the words to willy wonkas boat speech, "There's no way of knowing...just which was were going..", on the bathroom stall, then finally went to bed at 8:30 in the morning. I got to see the sunrise and smell the morning air. It is sooooooo underrated.

So yes. I LOVE LOTHLORIEN. I also love Hava, Tristan, Jonathan, Brian, Ashley, and Mandy for not being online. And I have a new friend, and her name is magic mushroom.

2005-02-09T16:13:00.000-08:00

Before I reveal the *magical story which I have teasing you with all week, I'd like to pose something I've been thinking about all day.
I was born male, and I didn't like it.
So I started taking pills and wearing clothes that i wanted, with the knowledge that the world saw me as trans and I needed to be conscious of that.
But at which point can I stop assuming the world sees me as trans and start assuming they see me as a girl.
I think I'll start now.

That being said, here's what went town last saturday night.

It was our room to room party, a semesterly party where people in the house open up their rooms and the party goes from floor to floor having a kick ass time. Me and Naomi opened up our room, the theme was a sweet sixteen from 1958. I was Mary Jane and she was Donna. So we had 50s music, and dancing, and we served run and cream soda. I did one shot of rum per 8 oz of soda, but then i made myself one with 2 shots and preceded to be so buzzed that I just poured stuff in cups and gave it to people. Yeah I got people fucked up fast. I took another 2 or three shots, I can't remember, and proceded to dance a bit. Brian and Ashley were here, it was tons of fun. I went down into the basement later, it was prohibition themed, unmarked liquor and flappers, good times all around.

Then over in North house it was anonymous love letters in the dining room. I was too plastered, so I just wrote some weird drunken poem about gender. I sent it toawesome stevie. Then it was on up to room 7. Room seven's theme was a summer camp. But all the camp councilors were going around making people kiss each other. I believe wine was somehow involved. I just danced a bit, made out with Chris, then wandered out into the hallway. Naomi was in the dinning room writing a letter, I went to kiss her and she pushed me away, which really really really pissed me off, but I also became conscious of how drunk I was, so I went back to my room to rest a bit. The door was open, some people came by, I talked to them abit and then they'd leave to find the party. Then Hava wandered in. I didn't know it initially, but Hava was on acid.

So here's me, really drunk, and Hava on acid. And I've always really wanted to have a friendship with Hava but could never find an in. We talked about that, and gender, and just everything. I started getting a contact trip off Hava. Those not familiar with the concept, its like when girls livin togehter have their periods together, or married couples look alike. Or for a current real life example, naomi has seen some of the fat in her stomach resently redistribute to her boobs. Contact puberty. So, Hava decides we need to find Tristan (also on Acid) so we join with Jonathan (on E) and go lookign for Tristan. We find him, and retreat to Hava's room. So now we have a drunk Galen in Hava's recliner, Hava (acid), Josie (really drunk), Tristan (acid) and Jonathan (E) all lying on Hava's bed. Oh and Whitney's there too (sober) because every experiement needs a control. We're talking about this and that, Whitney and Galen both leave, for reasons I can't remember, but whats important is eventually Jonathan started dividing up E for him, hava and tristan to take. I did a, what about me, thing and they said there isnt enough. Fair enough, I wouldn't want to do E, i said. But if it were mushrooms....
You want to do mushrooms, Hava asked, pulling out a baggie, and thus began the second half of my night.

Immediately I had this plethora of energy....this is starting to get long, I'll do part too later tonight, stay tuned!

2005-02-08T18:04:00.000-08:00

Does anyone have a flash maker thingy, I really want to start my own webtoon. I feel like homestar's starting to run out of ideas and it's time for a new queen to step up to the plate and make tech geeks laugh as they waste away their lives in cubicles. And Monica.

Does anyone want to actually hear the story of what went down last saturday night, besides the mushrooms going down my esophogus or should i just pretend like it never happened?

2005-02-06T16:43:00.000-08:00

I did magic mushrooms last night.

I hit bottom, and it was beautiful.

And now everything makes sense.

2005-02-04T22:10:00.000-08:00

The original title of this blog was A Perfect Day for Bananafish, and the current title is Eternal Sunshine. If it is alright I would like to say a bit about both for a moment.

A Perfect Day for Bananafish is a JD Salinger short story in which the main character, Seymour, is on his honeymoon. He and his new wife, her name escapes me, eloped after Seymour stood her up at the altar. This is all pivitol the story, however what is important for me is Seymour's inability to recognize colors. This little girl comes up to him wearing a yellow swimsuit, and he tells her, that sure is a nice blue swimsuit. The girl sternly reminds him that it is yellow not blue, to which he responds, really, I can't tell colors that well anymore. This all is repeated in an earlier short story, Raise High the Roof Beam, Carpenters, but it's much longer. If you're interested though, don't hesitate to ask me. I'm sure i've told it to you guys amillion times anyhow, I just love that story.

Anyway, the point is, a truly enlightened person doesn't see black vs white, blue vs red, young vs old, boy vs. girl, east vs. west. The need to create identity through opposition is a very primitive thing. But it happens everyday in society. What is a girl? Well a girl has long hair...no, a girl has her ears pierced...no, a girl has a higher voice...no, a girl has no facial hair....no, wait I got it a girl has breasts....no, a girl is petite...no, a girl shaves her legs...no, a girl bears children....no. The distinguising factor then is a girl doesn't have a penis. But that's odd, that doesn't tell me anything about what a girl is. And that statement can also be refuted, both by those born with dual sex organs and by myself and girls like me. I've gotten over my fear of public restrooms, I walk into the girls restroom without conviction now. And I am yet to get a weird look or a "hey you don't belong in here". There are three cases when I get "clocked". The high school hanger on refusing to let go of a preconcieved notion of who i used to be...family an people who work at places ive frequented for the last two years also fall into that category. Second, the look down at my crotch. I'm sorry everyone, but I am morally against "the tuck". It just doesn't seem physically possible to me. Infact, it usually just results in pointless wood that makes everything worse and me feel like shit. So every now in again I'll get the eye wandering down to check because things like that are very important. My snake might infiltrate your garden of blue-bells and cockle shells and just fuck everything up. The third is the vocal clock, but that's being worked on.

I guess what I'm trying to say is we're special because we don't need to find an opposite to validate our gender. Our gender is more real than anything on this goddess forsaken rock.

And then the current title, eternal sunshine, if you've seen the movie - unless you're mandy who decided halfway through that sticking it out till the end, when it's not depressing anymore and actually becomes amazingly sunny, wasn't worth it - you know it comes from the Alexander Pope quote, "How lucky is the blameless vessels lot, The world forgetting by the world forgot, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind..." This may seem direct contrast with my current quote explaining my mood, "The book says we may be done with the past, but the past ain't done with us", however it's not. The latter quote deals with how the shit you do, just because you've moved on doesn't mean the shit has. Specifically, in the movie Magnolia, it deals with parents doing things to their kids, to their spouces, and how their sins came back to haunt them. And so it comes full circle. Someday my parents will be repayed for the way they are treating me now. And someday I will move past all this shit and emerge most victorious, because youth are the only good thing left on earth, and I will have my Eternal Sunshine....in fact i'm basking in the mother fucker right now.

....and I'll ask her to take my hand, and we'll run out into the middle of a grassy field, and we'll lie on our backs and give meaning to the clouds we see passing by. In multiple creation myths, including the one in genesis, people were created through seperation, leaving us our whole lives to find our other half again. And it's quite possible we keep living the same life over and over, in different ages, trying to find our other half again. Or maybe we're all still here because you can't stop coming back until you finally find that one. Either way, I think I'm close to being done...and yes this is about you...

2005-02-02T22:37:00.000-08:00

5 hours at the library today, an hour of class and an hour at the geneq center, lunch with brian/ash/&rose, i am officially exhausted

what a week. I've started work at the library, obviously, i'm only trained for stackwork right now so I'm sweeping, sorting, and reshelving books. It's really not so bad with naomi's iPod guiding me along. Yknow, I don't think there's enough iStuff in the world. Sure we have iMacs, iPods, iBooks, iCal, but i just don't think that covers it. What about iDildo, iPickle, iMotorcicle, iFecal Mater. The possibilities are endless. And to think, with ever new iThing we'd get a new iAd with a silhouette on a colored background. Alright!

So much tired, oh yeah, Indian food is amazing. If you aren't eating Indian food right now, and you consider yourself alive you are wrong my friend. I know, I know, you feel a pulse, but that's really just water. What are you crying to god for, yknow it doesn't exist.

I want to design a video game where ever tribe distinct enough to create it's own distinct language in Briton (by my count: Anglish[Angleland], Saxon[Saxony], Cornish[Cornwall], Welsh[Wales], Irish[Ireland], Scots Gaelic[Scotland], Low Scot[Ditto], Manx[Isle of Man], and Cumbric[Cumbria]) let the player chose a tribe, and try and conquer the brittish Isles, with actual historical events (christianization) having effect on the outcome as well as continental (See Franc, Gaul, Breton, and Norman, viking, later dutch, spanish, etc.) pressures. I dunno, I think that would rock hardcore, and there could be a whole series with French, Italian, Spanish, Greek, German, etc. tribes and they could all be linked (aka Venice overtaking Rome would mean an entirely different religious history)

Just a thought i've been having

2005-01-30T21:48:00.000-08:00

The following is a poem by Oakland/Berkeley transgirl Julia Serano. It's posted on her website, www.juliaserano.com and if you like it you should check out all the amazing things she's doing. Anywho, I dunno, I'm not the biggest fan of her poetic style, but her words ring true for anyone who actually would want to read my blog. Still why you would do that boggles my mind. Here's the poem:
cocky
we are often told that we are living in a man’s world
and in this culture
no image represents power
more than the phallic symbol
and if the penis equals power
then i am illegally armed
and my body
full of freckles and feminine curves
is like a stealth bomber
i fly just under everyone’s radar
but only because they choose not to see me
only because nobody wants to believe
that a sweet, petite green-eyed girl like me
could ever possibly be packing heat

they say that it’s not the size of the wand
but the magic that it does
well after many months on estrogen
my penis is pretty darn small
but she has supernatural powers
she’s like some pissed off ancient greek goddess
my penis changes the meanings of everything
and because of her
every single one of my heterosexual ex-girlfriends
has slept with a lesbian
and every guy who hits on me these days
could be accused of being gay
because my penis bends everyone who's straight
and she can make the most entitled cat callers and womanizers
scurry away with their tails between their legs
all because of six small words
“i use to be a man”

and being a transsexual
i realize that most people see my femaleness
as a facade
an elaborate hoax
but i am more real
than any of them could ever hope to be
i am real because unlike them
my gender is not based upon what other people think of me
and that may make me an object of ridicule
but i am not the butt of anyone's jokes
because i know that people make fun of trannies
because we are the one thing that they fear the most
i am more bad-ass than any gangster
more dangerous than an entire marine corps
my penis is more powerful
than the cocks of a million alpha males all put together
because when a man is defined as that which is not female
and a woman is defined as that which is not male
then i am the loose thread
that unravels the gender of everyone around me

they say its not the size of the boat
but the motion of the ocean
well my penis gives most people sea sickness
she makes them dizzy
because most people are not secure enough
with their own masculinity or femininity
to survive a night in the sack with me
my penis turns simple sexual pleasures into political acts
she turns biological impossibilities into cold hard facts
my penis is the curiosity
that you’ve been told will kill your cat
see my penis can be deadly
especially to me

and i’ve heard almost every true crime story
about what frightened macho boys do to trannies
every bludgeoning and mutilation
bodies beaten beyond recognition
and i’ve imagined it all happening to me in first person
and every time i get up in front of a crowd
to perform one of my out-spoken word pieces
i can feel myself morph into a slow moving target
and at the end of the night
when i walk back to my car
i'll be holding my breath
half-expecting that inevitable blow to the back of the head
and sometimes i wonder why it hasn’t happened yet
and sometimes i wonder why they don’t just get it over with
and sometimes i just wish i was dead

see i never wanted to be dangerous
and i spent most of my life
wishing that i didn’t have a penis
and i used to hate my body
for not making any sense to me
and these days i often hate it
for being so in between
and some mornings i can barely get up out of bed
because my body is so weighed down
with ugly meanings
that my culture has dumped all over me
see i've been made to feel shame and self-loathing
so that everyone else can take comfort
in what their bodies mean
and if i seem a bit cocky
well that's because i refuse
to make apologies for my body anymore
i am through being the human sacrifice
offered up to appease other people’s gender issues
some women have a penis
some men don’t
and the rest of the world
is just going to have to get the fuck over it
and if i am destined to be the loose thread
that unravels the gender of everyone around me
then i am going to pull
and pull
and pull
until everyone is exposed
until they all finally see that all along
they were merely wearing the emperor’s new clothes

and i know that people don’t like it
when i turn the tables on them
but what the hell else am i supposed to do?
play a hand that was dealt
from a deck of cards
that's been stacked against me?

and if i seem a bit cocky
that’s because i've spent my entire life
being backed into a corner
and like a frightened animal
pumped full of adrenaline
and sick of hunger and hiding
i am finally desperate enough
to come out fighting.

2005-01-29T20:36:00.000-08:00

This one's for Mandy.

They're all for Mandy, but yknow....

Anyhow, today Naomi and I got stared at. Alot. Not in Berkeley. No in Berkeley we were completely fine, aside from the pair of sorority girls who made no attempt to hide their disgust at how we looked. We shopped used book stores, went to a co-op bakery, things were nice.

Naomi had a gift card for bath and body works, $10, enough to get A bottle of lotion, which is fucking rediculous. But, the only B&BW in the east bay is down in Emeryville. There was one on Telegraph, across the street from campus but it went under like Johnny Thunder. Anyhow, I needed lotion, so Naomi gave it to me, and we trecked on down to Emeryville today

(note,. the previous was written pre-josie being drunk. Drunk now is josie,a dn not only that. JOsie's pretty stoned. If you havne't picked up on it yet, JOsie's kind of an alcoholic, mand is probably goin to die around 35. Hopefully she'll be married to Mandy at the time so she can have a foorrest gump type burrial. Y eah, I'm rpetty drunkj.)

So yeah, we go to fucknig emeryville, this town which isn't a town so much as a commercial district which developed around the only road to the bay bridge (sound familiar mandy?) Except, instead of mom and pop stores taking advantage of traveleers, t his is the gap and old n avy taking advantage of travelers. I really hate the place. BNut anyway, we're down there, and the second me and naomi walk in the door, the salesgirl's eyes are locked on us, in a look t hat says, waht the fuck just walked into this store. Now Mandy, correct me if I'm wrong, I pass from a distance. It's my close up features which give me away, aka voice and possible beard shadow. So shit, when I walked in th edoor it wasn't oh this girl is trans what the fuck ever, no it was, what the hell are these hippies doing here? We got the same shit every store we went into, it was totally lame as fucking a dolphin fucking a three legged dog.

only people that are faking how drunk they are keep talking about how drunk they are. I really want a quesadilla. We're having loth initiation right now and I'm pissed cuz I wanted to snuggle with naomi and she fucking moved to the other side of the circle. The fuck is that shit,. Shit on a shingle that ain't cool.

Anyway, the point of this story is that unless you're perfect sorority girl with makeup covering your every pimple and enough blush to make grandpa jenkins think he found the perfect blood donor, and fucking a dildo in your nostril, people are gonna start shit. The world fucking sucks but what makes it worth living is all the people who get laughed at by the world. We have something they'll never know and thats f ucking love. They know lust. They know how it feels to pound on JOhnny Utah's penis for an hour, they kno wwhat crabs feel like, but I'll be damned if they know love. Thats what we have over them, fucking shit, its so amazing to feel my heart growing each and every day because I['m nto one of them. Fuck them, fuck Marla, fuck Fight Club. I should go back down. Can't fuckign believe Naomi did that. FUcking A.

Shit on a shingle

2005-01-28T20:19:00.000-08:00

As I sit here, two glasses of wine into the evening and topless, stomach full of pizza and wine with peanut butter cookies in the over, I can't help thinking about.....hugs.

See most people don't understand hugs, and therefore go for the quick release hug or the one armed hug.

*warning* Unless you have something in your other arm, do not ever, under any circumstances give a one armed hug. It's like smacking someone with trout and saying please drink my pee now.

But every now and again you get a really special hug. One where someone jumps because they think you can hold their weight resulting in a sortof akward pile of love, nervousness, and teenage mentality. Sometimes you hug so long you can feel the other persons heart in your chest cavity. I *really* like both types.

An awesome hug can end in a kiss, doesn't have to be an erotic one, just something on the cheek or a brief lip kiss to say, wow I really care about you.

Lothlorien is the greatest place ever invented.

2005-01-27T22:39:00.000-08:00

Mandy just stole my title as coolest person in the world, and I bow out gracefully :)

Naomi and I just returned from seeing Magnolia at the Pacific Film Archive, when we got out it was raining really hard. Such a wonderful night. I'm so glad Mandy's in a good mood as well.

Life is beautiful it really is.

I've decided it's time for my family to learn I'm not a doll, or toy. They have to start being nicer to me. Too often we don't say what we're thinking because we want to be cool or whatever.

I love everyone.

2005-01-25T18:42:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about it, and I may have over dramatized yesterday. Sure sounded cool as hell though, goodness I love drama.

So anyways yeah, my grandparents are calling me, wanting answers I'm just not ready to give, or at least not ready to give over the phone.

I picked up my new student ID today, turned in my government paperwork for my new job, and discussed matters with my mentor and glbt director billy curtis. He offered me one unit for putting together a handbook on name changing for transexuals, which I'm actually looking forward to.

So even when I reduce my load down to the minimum to try and take the semester easy, life decides to make my life busy as hell again. Well, hooray that I say, hooray that.

And I've decided to make Monica my idol of the week. Previous winners, though they may not have known it because I created the award today, but then decided it would be a good idea to make it somewhat retroactive, much like college football champions, though nobody but me would know how that is so, what was my point, was there one. Oh yes, the war. Nothing brings a group of...what, what's that you say. Oh right the award, the award, of course, of course. Michael Bishop, he was in my trench, we breathed the same air, dodged the same bullets, that son of a bitch was given a purple heart when I lost a limb too, except I lost it to the gout and he lost it to a tank....oh yes, I've completely jumped off track.

Previous winners of the idol of the week have been, Naomi, Brian, Ashley (seperately and once jointly), the girls sitting in the french cafe depicted in the photograph on my wall, this girl at the libertines concert who grabbed my hair, the drunk girl at peck and tristans wedding, lily (same week), The dude who thought me and mandy were lesbians and lifetime achievement winner, The High Strung (for being such an awesome band), The High Strung (for writing the song "It's On" which I swear is one of the greatest songs ever written), Billy Curtis, Olivia, and lifetime achievement winner Mandy. OOO, my cousin Bonnie definately wins one, Robert Kevess MD, my English 101 professor, Professor Dohar, my gsi for English 45C who's name escapes me, Jeff Hoppes, Charlie Kaufman for writing Eternal Sunshine, Wes Anderson for making great movies, Paul Thomas Anderson for the same reason, and lifetime achievement award winner Mandy. Did I repeat myself? Very well then I repeat myself.

But Monica gets it this week for being amazingly bad ass. So hooray that :)

2005-01-24T20:42:00.000-08:00

I got the job everyone, woohoo!!
This not only puts me in a good possition to not sink with my mom cutting me off, but also puts me 99.9% for sure in Athens this summer, which is good, its really really good.

But the leaning tower of pisa has fallen. I'll write more when I can write that without crying.

2005-01-23T15:20:00.001-08:00

So this being the third incarnation of the Perfect Day for a Bananafish blog, I thought I'd celebrate by doing alittle dance....

...whooo that was some good dancing. It's a lovely sunday, that big ball of fire in the sky looks extra radiant today, it's rays glistening nicely off the trees outside my window. I'm gonna go lie in the hammock after I finish this entry. Seems like an amazing plan.

I talked to my mom today. She "saw my future" and talked to someone else who "sees futures" and they have both come to the conclusion that I'm going to get the shit kicked out of me in the near future. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to make of this; but my mom's been trying to break me for along time.

My extended is going to find out everything, and by everything I mean everything, in the very near future. My dad is threatening to tell everyone, and hopefully he'll die. Yup.

Not only that though, I told everyone I was going to New York over break when I really was going to Ohio and my mom told everyone, but did not offer any details so everyone is now upset and wants to know why I lied to them. Being an amazing liar is only a gift as long as you are willing to keep up the lie. Which used to be along time for me, but it's getting less and less so. I'm still really good at lying I just hate having to do it for a continued amount of time. And I wouldn't mind telling the truth if it didn't lead to such bigoty ignornace and hate. I really wouldn't.

Sunday conversations with my mom are getting less and less what they used to be.

I'm not afriad to die, but I have an amazing fear of dying.

I got to see my cat magpie today, the little asshole barely paid me any attention, but it was weird being in Olivia's room cuz it was like, wait isn't this my room? I didn't realize how attached I've gotten to some of her stuff.

This semester is going to be amazing. Spring Break is going to suck more than a whore on www.craigslist.org And this summer is going to be amazing, followed by an amazing rest of my life.

It's just time to let the leaning tower fall, I'm so tired of holding it up.

------------

On a not sad note, Friday night, naked pizza Friday, after I ate pizza topless I really wanted snickerdoodles. So I got naked, apron covering my jublies of course, and made snickerdoodles for the house, while drinking absinthe, which did not make me halucinate because the halucinagenic in absinthe no longer is in there. I must say its a drunk unlike any other. It's like losing control of everything in an instant. But then later on, after bring cookies to Naomi I heard drums downstairs. To my suprise when I went down there, it was a house wrestling tournament. Our house manager tristan made quick work of Kat, this girl in our house who's amazing and has dreads and sings really well and gives me hugs. Wanting to stand up to this man twice my size, I challenged tristan to a match, hoping he wouldn't take me seriously and possesing the secret weapon, I actually wrestled in high school.

We wrestled for what must have been 6 mins or so, I ended up folding out of exhaustion, but everyone who watched said it was a thing of beauty watching this little girl trying to take on someone twice her size and really giving it her all. Later I wrestled Kat, we went at it for a while as well, but it was more about entertaining the crowd then it was triumphing over anything at that point. It was described by naomi as hot, so I'll leave it up to your imagination. Just keep in mind that wrestling can put people into inadvertantly sexual situations. Yup.

I had also gone through probably another bottle of wine at that point. Yeah, Friday was a great night :)

2005-01-23T15:20:00.000-08:00

2005-01-21T13:29:00.000-08:00

It was the day without the internet....

(Supposed to be sung in the style of "it was a year without a santa clause")

I don't really have much to update.

The interview went well, I'll find out either today or monday the results. My classes still rock the hardcore. I'm going to be taking a decal (read student run) class on the movies Magnolia, Punch Drunk Love, Boogie nights, and the one other film directed by that guy who's name completely escapes me.

I want to set up a class on Wes Anderson films next semester, except I know noone in the film department.

Mandy has a picture of an anime goddess on the front of her blog, I have a picture of Ophellia who "drowned herself". I wonder what that says about the status of the world?

The reason I wanted to write today, however, is that I came up with a cool quote today in history class, and I wanted to share it with the world, so someday when I die someone can put this in bartlett's.

"A four leaf clover is a genetic freak of nature. A clover is supposed to have three leaves, this one has four. That's why it brings good luck."
-Lady Jocelyn of Lothlorien County Berkshire

2005-01-19T13:46:00.000-08:00

hooray for blogger.com, and hooray for long entries being erased due to fate hating me. How dare blogger, who gives me webspace for free, not work 100% of the time :)

so yes, one grey cloud has passed most definately.

I'm 100% moved into my new room. It's so amazing. I know I've gone on and on, I think I have at least, about how it was built pre-air conditioning so it has high ceilings and the walls are off white and clean and the floors are refinished, but me and naomi have done so much cool stuff to it. We have two art pieces up, one i think ive mentioned by fellow elf stevie, a wonderful piece I cant do justice to in description, and we have a new one now, a naked woman bending over to dry her hair or something painted by fellow elf kevin. The room is really starting to live up to it's art museum calling. And the couch and the bed is high and ahh the room is so great.

I also started classes which are fantastical.

English 101, which no, is not intro to english, berkeley classes start at 1, it is in actuality history of the english lanauge, a survery through indo-european roots to modern english. The professor, my first female professor at cal, is amazing. There was this moment where during lecture she added that the angle/saxon/jute settlers of england were pagan, this having relevance in the christianization of england and latin entering the english realm, well this kid laughed when she said pagan. So she looks at him and says is somehting funny, ot which he responds I just love that word. And she calmly says, well i'm a pagan, whoops I'm supposed to keep religion out of the classroom. It was superb, I feel in love wit' her at that moment. (explanation of that ', you used to be able to alide a repeated letter in english, shakespeare does it all the time. I am going to start trying to rework it into the english language). There was this other moment, where she was explaining how this think tank in san jose pays good money for linguists to come up with names for corporations and she finished with, "so you can look into that, if you want to sell your soul". I love this kid, she's just like me, except old and full white.

Then came English 127, which saddly I can't keep if I want to get a job in the library. The professor is old, witty, and not afraid to run with a joke. Also, they're studying modernism, my Favorite time period, it would have been alot of fun to look at monet paintings and read stein. But they are spending three weeks on yeats so I guess it's for the best, I cant stand that man.

History 150B was amazing as well. It's tought by a man named Dohar, who tought my 150C class last spring. I took the class cuz of him. He really is an amazing teacher. There were at least 8 of his followers in the class this time, followers being those who've taken like every course he's tought at cal. He has this way of incorporating art history, and literary history, and legal history into a political history course which just make it come alive for so many people outside the history department. And I told him about the name change, since he totally remembered my name, he didnt even flinch. He was just like jocelyn, alright I'll remember that and smiled. I want to give him my heart in a box wrapped with pink paper. He's just yeah, I love that kid.

I still have my comp lit, history of gender and sexuality in literature class left to go, but I'm sure its going to be amazing. Goodness, how I love school....

"Robin Hood and little john, walkin through the forest
laughin back and forth at what the other has to say
reminiscin, this-m-thatin havin such a good time
oo-de-lali oo-de-lali golly what a day"

2005-01-19T13:22:00.000-08:00

wooo, that sure was a great vacation that I took there with the thing...and the other thing....yeah

well one big giant grey cloud has passed over. I'm finally 100% moved into my new room. It's sooooooo magical. We have two really wonderful art pieces hanging, one done by our friend Stevie that you just kinda have to see and this other done by another elf Kevin whose painting is of a naked woman bending over to dry her hair. We've hung tapestries, filled bookshelves and closets, ah it's so perfect.

the financial aid thing wont work itself out for awhile, but my mom was kind enough to write a letter telling the university that she was seriously abandoning me. As terrible as that sounds its actually really wonderful.

Mandy, I can't remember the name of those spirits you were telling me about that hide stuff, but they're totally hanging out in my room. The pictures I took from Ohio, the one good one and like 15 wtf ones, completely gone, no idea what happened to them. It was really sad I walked like three miles to go get a picture frame from walgreens and I get back and they're just gone. I went through all my stuff twice, nothing. It's crazy. Anyhooters, my classes are amazing.

First off english 101, which no isn't basic english; berkeley classes start at 1. This is the history of the english language, a survey through indo-european roots, old english , middle english (Chaucer), early modern english (Shakespeare), and modern english (George Bush). My professor is amazing, first female prof at cal btw. During lecture she mentioned that the angle/saxon/jute settlers of brittany were pagans and this kid laughed. So she asked him what was funny, and he informed her that he just liked that word, and she calmly says, well i'm a pagan, oh whoops i'm supposed to keep religion out of the classroom. classic. though i guess i would have been kinda peeved had the kid laughed at say a crucifix and she did a whole, well i'm a christian thing. But that's what sucks about being in power, you're not allowed to have any fun.

Then off to enlgish 127, modern poetry. I'm not going to be able to keep it, if I get this job at the library, but I really wish I could. The professor is this old guy, totally witty and willing to roll with a joke. We're gonna focus on modernism which is my FAVORITE time period, it would have been nice to look at monet and discuss stine, although i must say I'm kinda glad not to be in that class because they're spending three weeks on Yeats and I kinda cant stand him.

Then this morn I had History 150B with Dohar, whom I had spring semeser last year. This is gothic english history, 1066 to about 1272 which Mandy could tell you mark the norman invasion and the death of Henry III. Dohar classes are definately something magical. He spends just as much time on the art and literature of a time as he does the politics, which makes the class so much more appealing to people outside the history dept. There are a bunch of English majors (literature, history of the langauge) art history majors (art and architecture) and poli sci majors (english common law influence on american legal system) which wouldn't be there if he just went over dates and monarchs (boo). Also, there were at least 8 people from the last class I took with him in there again, people want to take his classes. I mean, one of the paper options is to write a piece of historical fiction, how hardcore does that rock.

I still have my comp lit 185 class left, but its gender and sexuality in literature so I don't anticipate it not rocking, plus im taking it with Ash so I'll at least know someone in a class for the first time in like ever.

Alright time to whip up a resume and try and get a job. Wish me luck :)

2005-01-17T18:25:00.000-08:00

hey all,

I don't think I'll be updating this for awhile, not too long, just probably the rest of the week.

I'm stuck in a loop and I need to step back and get myself out of it.

Catch you in a few.

2005-01-16T23:35:00.000-08:00

sorry for how weighty my web log has been lately. I promise the sunshine I showed promise of will be back as soon I get the weight of financial aid crisis, uncertain futures, and all the other trama in my life life now off my back and hopefully into a river so noone else ever has to deal with these problems ever again.

I've been trying to watch The Hours, but the god damn interactual player has had some unforseen error twice so far. It's really fucking annoying. I'm rereading Mrs. Dalloway so I figured it would put me in the right frame of mind to rewatch the hours. I'm also reading this really good book, The Art of Fiction. That's where that barn exercise came from. If I don't write the greatest novel this world has ever seen my life will have been worthless.

I'm not going to talk about financial aid, or my undecisiveness about where I want to be in a year. I don't want to become my old broken record, complaining, pesimistic self again.

And I know I sound like I'm trying to convince myself when I keep talking about how happy I am. And that probably is part of it. But I really do love everyone in this house, and I love talking with them, and I love the love they give. God they're so fucking amazing.

And I loved my trip to ohio. And I love family, patriarch excluded. It really really hurts me that they want nothing to do with me. Hurts so god damn much.

I really don't want to keep reiterating the same gloomy problems over and over again.

I just have one last thing to say, and I promise I'll check my emotions at the door and just keep you guys informed on my not being dead status and, whatever.

The only thing I have left to say, is Claire Daines is the most beautiful girl in the whole fucking world and I'm really tired of everyone else not seeing that.

Et oui il y a une double signification dans cela.

2005-01-16T01:19:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty much 85% moved into my new room. It is a most amazing room, built pre-air conditioning so the ceiling is much higher, radiator heated, just redone floors and walls, and a private mother fucking balcony. A balcony, which gets full view of the sunset into the golden gate. And a hammock which reminds you of your mothers arms if you could remember .5 years old. And its just beautiful.

I say 85% because my person and I are in here, but the old inhabitant is yet to return and move her stuff, and Naomi (my roommate and sorta girlfriendish person) just got back from peru a few hours ago.

I wore this rose (white with roses) top to greet her. I was so excited, I hadn't seen her in so long and I really really enjoy her, I really wanted to look nice. It's also the top I wore to get my driver's licence photo. The shirt means alot to me. I just looked at myself in the mirror just now and I have to say I haven't felt that beautiful in a long time. The shirt just makes me feel so good.

But then I started to cry, because I know Mandy would understand and that she would relish in how good i feel right now, and how good I look. And it's not that Naomi doesn't, god she's so amazing as well...

I'm so pathetic, I'm sorry, forget I ever brought it up.

2005-01-14T11:51:00.000-08:00

So because Kate completely confused me, I'm going to restate my situation.

My mom refuses to sign my fafsa form. Which fucks me because she declared me on last years taxes and thats what fafsa is based upon.

This leaves me with three options.

1. Petition the university for indepenence. This is my best option, but also the riskiest because my fate is left up to a panel which will judge if my case is worthy enough.

2. Get married. Getting married means automatic indepenence, however, the fact that a strait marraige for me is marrying some hunk of man brings in its own complications.

3. Transfer to a school willing to give me financial aid. This is where OU comes in. When I applied to OSU (why?) my senior year, they offered me full tuition, and i would be in their honors program. With the exception of this last semester, when i was riddled with more emotional drama than ¿oxsana byule? I've maintained a 3.5 and I hope that OU could give me a similar offer.

Otherwise its option 4...

4. Join the general population

ewwww

Oh and btw, it appears mother nature was drunk yesterday. It was spring back east and I could see my breath inside here. But now it's a happy sunshiney day in Berkeley, and the east will be a frosen tundra from here till eternity. Haha, signed, mother nature.

oh and moving sucks, even if its to a better room

2005-01-13T22:48:00.000-08:00

On my screen is an application for Ohio University, complete aside from the optional essay which I intend to write a kickass essay for.

By my right hand, is a form for application of independence.

None of these are any sort of guarantee.

Ohio could accept me and offer me no scholarship aid. And the application for independence could be denied.

This is my life now. I've been left on the side of the road with a bottle of water and told to get my ass out of the desert.

It's either this or change all my legal documentation back to the way it was.

And I'll be fucked if I'm doing that.

2005-01-13T13:13:00.000-08:00

wow this week has been nothing but pot, alcohol, video games, photoshoping, creative writing, reading, and running errands related to establishing Josie's foothold in the real world.

In other words, it's been the greatest week of my life.

Yknow, thats one of those phrases that gets used so often, it really loses its meaning. I bet I could make a list of the top 5 weekends of my life, in no particular order.

1. Welcome week, spring quarter, 2005 (this week)
2. New Years Eve 2005 (athens)
3. Big Game 2003 (first big game)
4. Poetry Slam 2003 and subsequent party (Josie's big debut and subsequent queer bashing)
5.

I'm going to leave 5 open, cuz i have a feeling its yet to be filled...

in other news, there's still one little bit of business that's going to determine the well rest of my life. The petition for independence begins now

2005-01-12T01:24:00.000-08:00

For those of you up in the know, or who want to be up in the know, or who know the up....wow i confused myself there, the old stupid webpage I had up for the longest time is gone, now the site is purely for showcasing my photoshop projects, short stories, and any other random things I feel need to be posted onto the world wide webaverse. I'm nowhere near as good as Mandy, our styles are completely different anyhow, but I find myself more concerned with making an image in my head a reality rather than concerning myself with making it cool and artsy. So yeah, you should check it out sometime...all 3 of you, definately should check out my webpage....

I'd put up my story of reactionary drinking, but it's all pretty much documented in my horrible drunken typing, though I'm happy to say, as i fell deeper into a stupor i realized, with mandy's help many things and i feel much better about where we stand and I send my love to her as she's deeling with alot of turmoil right now.

2005-01-11T13:08:00.000-08:00

so apparently it's not a good idea to write entries drunk, who knew?

Don't try and make sense of that last entry. It won't make sense to anyone but me and one other individual and hopefully it doesn't make sense to her.

More embarasing secrets about Josie!

I'm only going to admit this once. I'm still pretty sure the gap uses sweatshops, so my chances of shopping there are slim to none (i'll have to check on that though, all the gap sweatshop articles are dated 2001), but I am ready to admit, that I really do like the gaps selection. It's much more respectable than sorority girl wear, and to be quite honest i'm starting to realize that wearing clothes that garner attention isn't the best course of action for a just starting to pass tgirl (thank you mandy) but that miniskirts are still fucking bad ass (thank you monica). And black and white oxford saddle shoes. Though i really need to find some schoolgirl skirts which arent set to slut and instead set to actual school girl, but that wouldn't be *cool* now would it?

I also really enjoy pop music with other people. Like its something rediculous to listen to by oneself *personal opinion* but with someone else, its nice to just have fun and sing along to something rediculous enjoy each other.

For any baby tranny reading this blog, and one not baby, lemme tell you a golden rule. Baby Steps. Otherwise you're gonna die.

HAppy Rainbow SUnshine lovey day!

pride and prejudice

2005-01-10T21:54:00.000-08:00

I'm a tequilla sunrise anda joint into the evening.

I'm on the compu cyz i have a really hard time relating to people and am socialy akward to a fauolt. VEry few people in history have been able to break me of my shyness. all

I dont knwo where i planned on going with this

trying on pants makes the ants in france go shit josie's really drunk ain't she

don't ever watch hairy potter, thats where she gets ya and then you'll never want anyone ever again.

none really does vicadin

The Invisible Man

2005-01-08T16:25:00.000-08:00

It's unlike me to desire so much to write in this thing as to write two entries in one day, but I need to add an adendum to my previous entry.

Aparently snowballs are fucking resiliant.

Though the shirt and tie put me in an immediate funk, I only got one of the dreaded "you're so handsome comments, which kinda made things not so sucktastic. Then the funeral, if you've never been to a baptist funeral, then you need to check one out. Don't matter if you know the deceased, just go. I'm not christian, and if i can help it i'll never be one again, but seeing the hope religion brings to this poorest of the poor people (we were in compton, think gangster rap music, birthplace of dr. dre and the nwa) it was just heartwarming.

But the ceremony was like two hours long, which gave me plenty of time to think. And I started thinking about how much I love my mom, and my people in berkeley, and mandy and monica, and I just started to bawl. Just too much emotion, and I was really due for a cry anyhow. I went over and gave my mom and big old hug, and we just cried together, it was really nice. So what follows is going to be the biggest cracking of Josie's shell most of you have ever seen...

I love my mom. I absolutely love my mom to death. We're butting heads on my girldom but I know she really loves me too. I love the happiness she just carries with her. She's always smiling, always trying to make someone feel better. And she's so wonderful with her second graders. You don't know how many gifts she gets on christmas from them, and they all want to hug her after class. That doesn't happen with most teachers. I really really dont want to lose her and doing so would really kill alot of the happiness i have gained.

I love Brian, I love Ashley. I hate to do them in a combo, because they both mean alot to me for seperate reasons, but lets face it, you're basically one person in my head. Brian I love how hard you try and your wonderful outlook on life. I love that i can just ride in a car with you and leave feeling like i had the best time of my life. And Ash, I love the way you seem to just walk with the sun on your heels and rainbows flowing from your hands. And i love you for your inner nerd.

I love Monica. I love how you're not scared to go toe to toe with my randomness. I love how you can remind me not to take life so seriously just by being yourself. I love your unmeasurable love for anything and everything childhood, innocent; your just a bubbling pot of everything i used to be as a kid (and which i'm happilly regaining).

And Mandy...aside from what i've told you in confidence, well no, somethings need to be repeated so I shall repeat myself joyfully. I love your smile. I love how just looking at it can melt away any ill will i'm feeling inside and fill me with this warmth only comparable to the warmest blanket you've ever found on a cold blustery day. I love how selfless you are. I love how you're not affraid to be a girly girl and play dungeon's and dragons. I love how you're able to make me interested in things I never thought possible. I love how you're willing to put me back together when I fall apart. I love how we have so many of the same fears and quirks and aspirations.

Mandy here's to happiness and girldom.

I've decided however, that I really really love Berkeley, and I'm going to do all I can to find the money to stay there. A complete failure to do so will be the only reason I'd transfer to OU. Meaning if I'm financially able to go to either school I choose Berkeley, but I'm not going to go as far as stopping transition so my parents will change their mind.

But I also really like your idea of working in Athens this summer. Of course there are a ton of details to still hammer out, but if you can set it up, I'm 100% already there. If anyone knows of any company doing frequent flyer promotions right now (ala punch drunk love) let me know.

To borrow from Monica, I have to go back and pick up my jaw :-)

2005-01-08T08:39:00.000-08:00

I'm staring at the shirt and tie i must wear for this funeral and i'm about to have a panic attack.

death has a way of ruining everything, specially when the deceased means nothing to you.

sucks that its my grandma though. also sucks that shes a stranger to me.

i dont have a snowballs chance in hell of feeling good today, but gee willikers will i tomorrow

i want pumpkin ice cream

Here Comes the Sun

2005-01-07T14:09:00.000-08:00

I looked in the mirror just now, and I realized my mom was wrong.

Mandy, and Monica, and Brian, and Jeff, they were right.

My mom came in here this morn, played with my hair a bit and then gave me a hug.

She told me even if she didn't agree with my decisions, she'd always love me.

And I'm so happy right now. It's all I wanted from them, I don't care if we're constantly at odds. I just wanted to know they still loved me.

My mom's totally earned back her Sunday call, and possibly a holiday visit.

I'll bring her a snowball :-D

Highway 33 revisited

2005-01-06T22:55:00.000-08:00

There’s good news and there’s bad news.

The good news is there will be no more dark entries; this is the last update from Los Angeles. The bad news is, this particular entry is not going to be uplifting.

The other good news if after you’re done, you’ll be confronted again with the cool picture that I know I’m gonna stare at till I feel better.

Actually this entry won’t be so bad, it’s just the facts that are kind of depressing.

My mom has cut me off for good. I was already for sure off medical, life and car insurance but now she’s put the foot down as regards financial aid as well. As long as Josie attends UC and not my ghost, she will not sign my financial aid forms. Which is a problem since she declared me on last year’s taxes. So basically I’m being sent back to Berkeley with a glue stick and being told to use it as an oar.

Which leaves my options. Option 1, I petition the university for independent status, pray they take pity on my situation, and I get to stay at UC. Option 2, I get married to someone, getting me automatic independent status. Option 3, I transfer…to another school…far the fuck away from here.

But none of this bothers me. I’ve been bracing for this since senior year of high school.

It’s just that Saturday my mom is going to bury her mom. And then I lose my family till they decide to acknowledge their daughter. They don’t teach you how to deal with that in school.
Other than that, life is great. I invested in a book of shadows, so I’m gonna start learning the ways of the witch. I had Denny’s with Jeff and Kris, had some amazing conversation. I asked them if I’ve feminized, and they said it’s hard to say since they see me all the time. But Jeff did say that Mandy was a cute girl, upon seeing the picture. The picture, take us home….

On the Road

2005-01-05T01:15:00.000-08:00

Isn't this picture amazingly cute?! It's unfortunate that it's the only one of the entire roll I didn't manage to completely mess up, but at least the one I really wanted is the one that came out. Ahem, however...

*Warning-Old School Josie entry follows*

I'm allowed one dark entry every now and again, right?

Remember that really bad poem Jeanine Garafallo reads in Half Baked, "I have killed, I have helped kill," and so on. It's been stuck in my head all night.

I'm facing a huge dilema and that huge dilema is Berkeley. The town is wonderful, this isn't about the culture of the town. I love the hills, and the golden gate bridge, and the campanille, and memorial glade, and the twenty seven libraries, and bart and muni and everything else.

The problem is Berkeley isn't far enough from Los Angeles. In Berekely are people from my parents parish, from my old high school, from the sister school down the street. People who refuse to call me Josie, people who would never understand it if I tried to explain. Even the people on the glbt theme floor last year, haven't gotten my name right yet.

I traveled to a completely different town, and I'm still haunted by the same ghosts.

And I know I can't just run from my problems, but it is so damn tempting.

Start over, so far away, where I'd be a completely new person. No hangers on from my past saying no no no, I knew you when.

I did it when I left Los Angeles. Jeff Oderlin is good people. But I didn't care. I knew I couldn't transition in Los Angeles, it just wouldn't be possible.

I needed Berkeley to transition. I needed the theme floor, and people with tons of information and experience. I love Brian and Ashley and Naomi and Lothlorien. But as much as Berkeley was neccesary to transition, I don't know if it's what I need to be a girl.

But its also different now. Leaving for Berkeley my senior year was just the natural progression of things. I lived in California, and I had the grades to sit at the top of the pile. It was what was supposed to happen.

But I could sense the hurt in Brian's voice, and in Naomi's voice, when I suggested OU as an option. When my mom cried as I left LA i was cold, she was a fly in a saucer of milk, a crab in a bucket. Brian and now Naomi have been there for me, and I mean actually there for me. Brian patched me up when I fell off my bike. Granted, I rode a mile to his apartment, bleeding in the road, and he was stoned off his ass when I got there, and we just laughed about how much this sucked, well after he smoked me out, but damn, thats a great memory. And Naomi and Olivia took care of me when I was bedridden with the stomach flu. Granted Naomi gave it to me, but it was still really sweet.

But what about when I walk to class and random all boy school classmate #1 yells out after me in that godawful name. When my parents are calling me up, telling me how I'm the talk of their church.

On the other hand, what happens if I get outted at OU? Am I just going to pick up and run away again? University of Toronto, Univeristy of Sydney. Once you've killed once the second time is so much easier.

And this is just what's going through my head, factor in my heart and this whole situation, life is so hard.

Mandy, I just need this space to try and work stuff out in my head. None of this changes anything I said to you. That will be true till I die.

Oranges aren't the Only Fruit

2005-01-04T01:23:00.000-08:00

I'm about off to bed, but I wanted to relate a story Mandy shared with me before I payed my respects to the sandman.

When Mandy was showing me Athens, we stopped by the donkey, this coffee shop which I have deemed cool for allowing me to drink from a mug rather than a paper cup (shops in berkeley work the same way, but they glare at me when I ask for one) and also for having a wide array of board games. I had a hankering for some shoots and ladders, but some things just shouldn't be said aloud, for instance, the nineteen year old asking to play shoots and ladders.

Anyway, this is not the point of the story, the point of the story is, before going into the Donkey, we ran into one of Mandy's coworkers, Wes. This tall drink of water looked like he could kick any ass he wanted to but would only do it to protect the underpriveldged and the scoffed at. My kind of man. So anyhow, Mandy's talking with him, and since I'm shy as hell, I'm sort of half standing in the doorway, half reading a flyer for Athens critical mass (also a Berkeley tradition, and sooo much fun). We had visted Athens' co-op house earlier, so I was really starting to jam on this hippie underground manifesting itself before my eyes. Anyhow, people apparently wanted to use this door I was blocking to enter intot his establishment, so I kindly abliged and stepped outside to mingle with Mandy and Wes. We talk of ACLU, asshole coworkers, and revolution. It's definately good times.

[Mandy you have to tell me if I'm doing any better not writing like a depressed bitter New Yorker, I really want this blog to get sunnier.]

Anywhos, apparently this afternoon, after dropping me off at the airport and missing me at the mall, Mandy went into work and Wes offered his theory as to what was a bit off about Mandy...I'm so sorry if I butcher this...

"I knew there was something different about Mandy, she's a lesbian. And that must have been her girlfriend," Mandy's girlfriend being yours truly.

So apparently me and Mandy put off lessie vibes. I think thats the best news I heard since I found out they sell the salsa and ranch dip right along side the tostidos and ruffles, so my fat ass doesn't have to get any excercise when I have a hankering for the greatest snack food combination ever known to stoners and non-stoners alike. The difference being stoners use chips to make chip, cheese, and avacado sandwiches. However, don't try that shit sober if you enjoy your kidneys.

Even if you don't, it's still not a good idea.

I don't want to end on that note, so I'll just reiterate how cool it is that someone thought me and Mandy were lesbians, rather than trans.

Lesbian power!